A Salute To Thorin



This weekend is a sad weekend.



My dear, good friend, Thorin Ebrecht, is moving on Monday to Colorado.



We met last summer through a mutual friend of ours and we have been buddies ever since.



He was the only one on my bowling team to stick through it for the entire season.



People come into your life on a daily basis but it's those people that touch your hearts that you will never forget.



Alaska is losing a great guy this weekend, so we will send him to Colorado with a bang, and the rest of the car flares I have in my car.



Tonight we salute Thorin Ebrecht in the only way we know how, drunken debauchery and tears.

My Favorite Movie Quotes

"I've kissed a guy...I've kissed guys. I just haven't felt that thing....That thing...That moment when you kiss someone and everything around you becomes hazy, and the only thing in focus is you and this person. And you realize that that person is the only person youre supposed to kiss for the rest of your life. And for one moment you get this amazing gift. And you wanna laugh and you wanna cry, 'cause you feel so lucky that you've found it, and so scared that it'll go away all at the same time."
~Never Been Kissed

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn, is just to love and be loved in return."
~Mulan Rouge

"I guarantee there'll be tough times; I guarantee that at some point, one, or both of us is gonna wanna get out of this thing; But I also guarantee, that if I don't ask you to be mine, I'll regret it for the rest of my life...Because I know in my heart, that you're the only one for me."
~Runaway Bride

"When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with a person, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."
~When Harry Met Sally

"...I just don't understand how God would let us meet, if there is no way for us to be together..."
~City of Angels

"Somewhere out there is the man you're supposed to marry and if you don't get him first, somebody else will...and then, you'll have to spend the rest of your life thinking that somebody else is married to your husband."
~When Harry Met Sally

"When you love someone, you say it right then, right there otherwise, the moment just passes you by."
~My Best Friends Wedding

"And remember, as it was written, to love another person is to see the face of God."
~Les Miserables

"I know what it does to you, I know. Maybe that's why we hold on as hard as we do. We just can't believe that such a miracle can happen to us twice. But it can, someday you'll find it again."
~Someone Like You

"Truth is, I gave my heart away along time ago, my whole heart, and I never really got it back."
~Sweet Home Alabama

"Love is that can't eat, can't sleep, reach for the stars, over the fence, world series kinda stuff...."
~Angels in the Outfield

"I think I would miss you even if I'd never met you."
~The Wedding Date

"Reveal to them everything there is to know about you and let the chips fall where they may."
~Meet Joe Black

"Some things are not meant to last, they just take a place in your heart and make you smarter the next time ...."
~Alex and Emma

"The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more; that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds...That's what you've given me and that's what I hope to give to you forever."
~The Notebook

"Some of the best things in life are total mistakes."
~Paycheck

If It Doesn't Test Everything You Have, It's Not Worth Going For

It's really shocking at the many different ways someone can sucker punch you in the face. It's coming up on two months since Daniel took the easy road out into his world of bullshit and lies. I will say with my head held high that no matter what, I will ALWAYS take the road less traveled by. I will not go back to something or someone just because it is easier and familiar. I will walk through that hurricane and take that bitch on, because that is how I will know that I am going for something that I truly want. I will never live my life by the well worn paths. I will succeed in everything I do and when I look at myself I will know I'm where I'm supposed to be. Daniel might have finally taken the pictures of me off his page, but I will haunt his mind forever. In the famous words of Carrie Bradshaw: "Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they're supposed to run wild until they find someone -- just as wild -- to run with."

"The Road Not Taken"

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveller, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference

Robert Frost

Prayers For Daniel

I pray for the day when I don't have your number memorized.

I pray for the day when I look in the mirror and my smile reaches my eyes.

I pray for the day you make it big and you're truly a rock star, even though you will always be a rock star in my eyes.

I pray for the day you see Kyle again and that empty void in your heart is filled.

I pray for the day that "doing the right thing" brings you happiness instead of pain.

I pray for the day when we are friends and we laugh like we used to.

I pray for the day that we both have that sparkle in our eyes again and that smile back on our face...even if it's not with each other.

I pray for the day that all your dreams come true.

I pray for the day that I hear your laughter.

But most of all, I pray for the day that you come up to me again and say "I'm in the band," and I pray that day will come soon.

Things to remember.

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will.

You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time.

You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken.

You'll fight with your best friend.

You'll blame a new love for things an old one did.

You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love.

So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt.

A Tribute To Poop Eaters

I have come to terms with the fact that Hilarious has ADD. All I have to do is get close to his fish bowl and he starts swimming around like a man on crack. So then I put my face right up to the bowl and give him kissies "Come give Momma kisses!!" and he will swim up to my hugely magnified face and open his mouth and close it. Ahhh, sweet dear Hilarious.

I cleaned his bowl for the first time today. I have an air filter in there so there is no need for me to do it once a week. More like once
every three weeks. So as I'm pouring new water into his tank there is a shit eruption going on in there. I thought it was left over food that had settled at the bottom. Oh no, my coworker, Chuck, informed me that it was his poopies floating around. This completely grossed me out. Suddenly Hilarious starts eating his flaky crap, it is then that I realize my fish is also retarded. So then I scold him "Hilarious, do not eat your poop! YUCKY!!" But there he goes bouncing around and eating his crap with the same open and close mouth that he gives me kisses with. Barf.

A Tribute To Dealing With Life April 27, 2006

Some people just fucking suck and there's nothing you can do but bitch and moan like a complete jack ass and then bend over and take it up the tail pipe. Then slap on a nicotene patch and move the hell on. Life is too short to upset yourself over people who do not upset themselves over you.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful worldas it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next.
Amen.

A Tribute To Nicotine Rage April 26, 2006

I have experienced my first outburst of "Nicotene Rage". I want to apologize to any poor soul to whom I lay this rage on to next. Please be aware that it is not coming from me. It's like the rage that comes out when a woman is on the rag. You can go from smiles to pissed off in a matter of seconds and you have no idea why. Around 2:30 this afternoon I got my first urge for a cigarette. It came out of nowhere. Just sitting here doing my work "doo, doo, doo...I should go have a smoke..." Then I remind myself that I am no longer a smoker. "No problem...doo, doo, doo...back to work I go..." At exactley 3:19 p.m. the office phone rings "This is Tara!" I say with a smile on my face and some fuck hangs up on me. I do my usual "What the..." and hang up. Then 3:20 p.m. rolls around and my extension rings. I look at it and think "It better not be another fuck hanging up on me" (my coworkers find it humerous to call and hang up on me). "This is Tara" I say without a smile and a "Don't fuck with me" voice. Low and behold it is Chad Shafer...yay...So here he goes telling me about this girl he met who has an older sister who says she used to baby sit John, Katie, Gregory, and I when we first moved to Alaska and blah blah blah. Hello, black out nicotene rage:

"I was five when we moved to Alaska and my parents had just gotten divorced. I remember having a babysitter but in the state of mind I was in at that age and the trauma I was going through, you can hardly expect me to remember the name of a babysitter I had EIGHTEEN YEARS AGO!!! I know you may think it's a good idea to call me up and bullshit and hey, I don't usually mind it, but the last thing I want to hear WHILE I'M AT WORK is my EX OF TWO YEARS WHO BROKE MY HEART tell me about some chick he met. I have work to do and I don't have the time nor the wanting to talk about your new prospects with you!"

"Okay...I'll let you go then...have a good day at work..." Chad says and I hang up.

I slapped on a nicotine patch after that. I've gone cold turkey for almost three days. It's time for a little help.

A Tribute To Tater April 26, 2006

For those of you who don't know, I have decided to quit smoking. My last cigarette was on Sunday, April 23. I bought a two week supply of nicotene patches yesterday and haven't needed to use one yet. I was able to start out at Step Two since I smoke less than ten cigarettes per day. I have decided to take my $14.00 two pack a week habit and start saving for the purchase of my home. I will take that $14.00 every week and put it in my Tanqeray tin. While making this decision I was thinking of other things I could cut out of my life and put that money in the tin as well. My next step will be to stop highlighting my hair. So all of you better enjoy my blonde highlights for the next two months because at my next touch up I'm going back to all natural. That will save me $120.00 every two months and I can put that in my tin as well. I have thought about my nails as well. I love my nails so much though. That would save $25.00 every two weeks. I have not come to terms with that yet. Oh, and if any of you leaves a suggestion of cutting out the bars from my social life, I could possibly kill you, so keep that in mind.

Tomorrow marks the the two month anniversary of Daniel dumping my ass. Again, some of you may already know this, but I took a huge subconscious step last night towards moving the hell on. I had another one of my dreams about Daniel, except for in this dream it wasn't Daniel and I together and happy. It was Daniel apologizing for making the choice he did and me accepting that apology but not taking him back. I basically told him to go lay in the bed he had made for himself because I am not a ping pong and I will not bounce back to someone who did not step up and walk the hard road with me. No hard feelings towards Daniel, I know he did what he felt he had to do for the sake of his child. But in doing that, he lost me. I wish Daniel AND Aiden the best and I really hope things start going better for them.

I have been hanging out with my married and "in a serious relationship" gals a lot lately. I must say, I've never been a chick to hang out with other chicks, but I have found a few girls that are just like me and I'm loving it. Tomorrow we are having our (hopefully) first of many weekly "Twat Robber" dinners. I have named us that since I am continually stealing the girls from their significant others and setting up girls night.

Summer school is starting soon and your Tater is enrolled. I am taking three classes for summer semester and really looking forward to getting back into the swing of things. I will still be up for some Alaskan camping and partying though, the summers here make the shitty winter worth it!!

A Tribute To Airborne April 24, 2006

I have decided that there are too many people running around this city with different strains of the fucking cold. That, or I'm just kissing too many of them. I woke up in the middle of the night not only to my new pet cat sleeping on my face, but to that yucky feeling in your lungs. I get to work and say to myself "I'm gonna beat this bitch!" I have too much shit going on during the week to be sick: Champagne Tuesday, Bowling Wednesday, Thirsty Thursday. Plus going to the gym every day. So here I am, eating Cold-Eeeze "Clinically proven to reduce the duration of the common cold" and putting Airborne "Zesty Orange Flavor" in my water. Well it tastes more like "Zesty Cold Day Old Beer With A Cigarette Butt Thrown In That You Did Not See". Assholes. Obviously the makers of Airborne have never used their own formula because it tastes like crap and you're told to take this four times a day! Does anyone have a beer bong so I can Airborne bong this up my ass? If it works for Fairbanks kids getting drunk when they beer bong up their ass, then it has to work with any other liquid. Am I wrong?

A Tribute To Apologizing April 21, 2006

The worst feeling in life is knowing that someone you care for is being a complete jack ass and there is not a damn thing you can do about it. You have tried talking to them and it doesn't work. You have written to them and it doesn't work. It leads you to believe that this person honestly doesn't give a shit about you or they are seriously brain damaged and retarded. So you find yourself wondering what they are doing and if they are happy. Then you ask yourself why you care if they obviously don't. I realize I have a problem letting go. I don't let people in and when I do, unfortunately they are in my life forever, even if I don't ever speak to them again, they are always in my heart, and I find myself either cursing them or blessing them with each day that comes. Take Chad Shafer for instance, he is the biggest prick that I ever met in my life. I cannot stand talking to him or even being in the same state as him. But I know all of Chad Shafer and I find myself missing the seldom "good" parts of him and hoping all is well in his life. While my family and friends think I'm insane and should write him off completely, kind of like Daniel did to me. Such is life, and it goes on, I don't think you ever "get over" the pain, I just think you learn to live with it and eventually you don't notice it as much in your daily life.

I'm sorry that Daniel came up to me at Carousel that night in December.

I'm sorry that Daniel fell for me and wanted to be with me.

I'm sorry that Sara never brought that smile to Daniel's face that is burned in my memory.

I'm sorry that Sara held Aiden and Ian over Daniel's head unless he would come back to her.

I'm sorry that Daniel wasn't strong enough to fight the good fight.

I'm sorry that I gave Daniel back the bear with the Pink Leo shirt on that he won for me in the claw machine.

I'm sorry that I fell for someone who had so much baggage.

I'm sorry that I let Daniel "have his cake and eat it too".

I'm sorry that I lost one of my best friends.

But most of all, I'm sorry that I'm the only one who is devastated over this situation and no one understands why.

A Tribute To Co-Workers April 21, 2006

It's a regular Friday morning. I went to bed at 7:00 p.m. last night and pressed snooze from 6:45 a.m. until 7:15 a.m. this morning. I get up and make my coffee and then shower. I like to make designs with my hair on the shower wall, today I made a giraffe and named it "Retardation". I decide to put make up on this morning, but I don't do my hair, I don't want my coworkers getting spoiled and falling in love with me. I get dressed and I'm wearing knee high pink argoyle socks, my favorite super long Silver jeans, my baseball style shirt with the pink sleeves that says "I'm A Seth Girl" (it's an OC shirt), and my puffy black vest. I throw on my pink Oakley's that Ash & Pete got me for my 20th Birthday because I know as soon as my hair drys my bangs will be in my face. I grab my pink travel mug on the way out the door and I'm on my way. Dean and Chuck have beat me to work, which is a rare and unusual thing, and as soon as I walk in they start making fun of me.

"Look who's here, On Time To Work Barbie!" ~ Dean

"Nice of you to show up, Dress Me Up In Pink Tara!" ~ Chuck

I hate my coworkers.

A Tribute To Tater's Heart Breaking April 8, 2006

A heart breaking isn't as loud as a bomb exploding, it's as quiet as a feather falling and the most painful thing is, no one really hears it, except you. It's the sound of laughter shared between two people that are no more. It's the sound of the first thing they said to you. It's the sound of the moment you knew exactley when you fell for them. It's the sound of them telling you they miss you. It's the look in their eyes and the way they touched your face. It's everything that you don't have anymore. It's the memory that breaks your heart. The memories of what was and what should have been. It's the dreams that haunt you, the dreams that you love because you are together again, but then awakeness comes and they are taken away. It's the rock in the pit of your stomach that won't go away. The scared feeling of losing someone that you didn't know meant that much. It's looking at your phone and seeing the name in the contact list but knowing you can't call. It's wanting to to know if they're having a good day. It's wanting to tell them something funny. It's wanting to hug them and never let go because you don't know if this time will be the last time. It's that ache of knowing they're out there and you're not who they're sleeping next to at night. It's the pictures you stare at, the ones that make you laugh, the ones where you see that sparkle in your eye and you wonder if anyone else saw it and will it ever be there again? It's the smile that comes to your face while your eyes are filled with tears at just the thought of them. It's thanking God that you had the chance to love that much and then hating God for having that love taken away. It's having the same chair in the garage and feeling some strange form of comfort knowing they were sitting in that exact chair before you and knowing they will after you. It's the hope you have that they are happy even if you're not the one making them happy. But most of all it's knowing that they're not coming back.

A Tribute To A Hurting Heart April 8, 2006

A well-known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20.00 bill. In the room of 200, he asked, "Who would like this $20 bill?" Hands started going up. He said, "I am goingto give this $20 to one of youbut first, let me do this. He proceeded to crumple up the $20 dollar bill. He then asked, "Who still wants it?" Still the hands were up in the air.Well, he replied, "What if I do this?" And he dropped it on theground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. "Now, who still wantsit?" Still the hands went into the air. My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20.

Many times in ourlives,we are dropped, crumpled,and ground into the
dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless.But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you willnever lose your value. Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who DO LOVE you. The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by WHO WE ARE. You are special - Don't EVER forget it."

This story is powerful and if you do not share it, you may never know the lives it touches, the hurting hearts it speaks to, or the hope that it can bring.Count your blessings,
not your problems. And remember: amateurs built
the ark and professionals built the Titanic.
If God brings you to it - He will bring you through it.

A Tribute To Leo's April 3, 2006

LEO
July 24 - August 23
Ruling Planet: THE SUN
Which isn't a planet at all, but a star, and just like Leo's opinion of themselves, it's the center of our solar system!

Leos can be very 'into themselves' when they bonk. It's not that they don't make their partner feel special, it's just that they often forget about them as they secretly high-five themselves for scoring again! Leo does actually want more from a partner than just sex though. Leo wants love and friendship too. They can be very romantic, but when they get into bed, it's not an experience they're about to have, it's a show! They like to perform... and they take requests! "Doing it" is the ultimate stress buster for Leo and they are pretty damn good at it, but they need constant praise for their outstanding performance.

FAVE POSITION ~ Receiving 'oral affections', since Leo is all about getting serviced!

BEST SEX TOY ~ A camera, or a game of Strip Poker will get the cat purring or perhaps you can use them both together!

LEO FEMALE IN BED ~ You are elegant and sexy without even trying. Men love you and women want to be you. You like to play cat and mouse with men and command respect. In bed, you are a real panther and can scare the pants off most men. You adore raw sex, so your partner should go with you and enjoy it. You're a once in a lifetime experience!

A Tribute To Why I Should Not Drink March 30, 2006

1.) First and foremost, I hate being hung over at work.

2.) Moshing seems like a good idea...until you get knocked on your ass and the next morning your right foot is bruised and two of your toes are constantly asleep.

3.) Flashing your boobs at the band is awesome.

4.) Flashing your friend's boobs at the band is more awesome.

5.) Three McDonald's cheeseburgers is the greatest idea you've ever had.

6.) Realizing that you have something to say to someone, so you leave them five messages explaining why you're pissed from 2:00 a.m. to 3:00 a.m.

7.) Dancing on stage with the band is not only cool, but necessary.

8.) Calling someone "Party Shirt" because you forgot their name and then deciding you like calling them that instead of their real name.

A Tribute To Erma Bombeck March 24, 2006

IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER

I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.

I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.

I would have talked less and listened more.

I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.

I would have eaten the popcorn in the "good" living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.

I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.

I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.

I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.

I would have sat on the lawn with my grass stains.

I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.

I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.

Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.

When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, "Later. Now go get washed up for dinner." There would have been more "I love you's." More "I'm sorry's."

But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute...look at it and really see it live it and never give it back. Stop sweating the small stuff.

Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what.

Instead, let's cherish the relationships we have with those who do love us.

Let's think about what God HAS blessed us with. And what we are doing each day to promote ourselves mentally, physically, emotionally. I hope you all have a blessed day.

A Tribute Toilet Plungers March 19, 2006

There comes a day in every single gal's life that someone takes a huge fucking shit in your toilet and it is then that you realize you don't have a plunger. That day came for me on Friday, March 17, 2006. It wasn't enough that I was home sick on the official Irish boozing day of the year while all you jack fucks were all getting loaded off of green beer, I was able to be blessed with the "Why the fuck don't you have a plunger, Aunt Tara?" day from hell. Being the trooper that I am, I rolled over and said take my fucking wallet, take my fucking car keys and go buy a plunger. Honestly, why ask the reason for me not having a plunger. Maybe because I don't foresee myself taking a shit big enough to clog the toilet. I don't think I have ever taken a shit that big. My 15 year old niece had the honors of doing that, my god what did she eat?! I know I have owned a plunger in the past. I recall a vague similar incident when I lived in my condo over in Independance Park. Someone else took a shit the size of a small dog in my toilet and I, once again, had to go to dear ol' Walmart and buy a plunger. What I want to know is why I have to buy a new plunger every time I move into a new place? Does anyone else have this problem? It's kind of like the "missing sock" whenever you do laundry. I seriously have like six socks without the pair that I HOLD ON TO. Like I'm going to magically some day find the other sock. Maybe when it comes to plungers, I just don't want to pack them. The thought of packing something that's sole purpose is to suck the poopies out of the deep dark scary toilet is enough to make me say "Fuck this, I'll buy a new plunger next time someone decides to shit pack my toilet to overflowing."

A Tribute To The Garage March 9, 2006

The garage is my safe house. When I'm not in the garage I find myself counting the hours until I will be back in it. I have my own chair in the garage. A white plastic chair that would normally be on the deck or in the yard; it has my name on it and it brings some comfort to me knowing that it's there waiting for me. The garage is safe because there is the unspoken rule of what is said in the garage, stays in the garage. The garage can be a place to party, but most of all it's a place where I go to escape the harsh reality of the real world. The garage is never cruel, it doesn't judge you, it doesn't leave you for it's ex. The garage is just there for you to go to. There is always the sound of laughter and great advice being given. The only thing you cannot hear in there is the sound of a heart breaking. There have been many broken hearts in the garage and I bet there will be many more. The garage holds you when you're dealing with that heart ache. It holds the promise of better days and you know you'll be back to them. Until then, the garage lets you be, lets you sit and think, with the haze of cigarette smoke and the little fridge of beer. No matter how bad things are, when you're in the garage, you're okay. It has a hold on you and it is always there. Through pain and happiness and sorrow and anger, the garage is there to hold your hand and let you feel how you want to feel. No judgement. If the walls of the garage could talk...

A Tribute To My Broken Heart March 1, 2006

I feel like I have been running around in circles inside my head. I've been saying the same things to myself, to my friends, to my family. Maybe if I keep saying these things, I will finally be convinced. I don't want to hear that I will be fine, I know I'll be fucking fine. I don't want to hear that time heals all wounds, I know it does, I'm not stupid. I KNOW that I won't feel like this for two weeks, let alone the rest of my life. That's the great thing about time, it just keeps going by whether you want it to or not. I'm hurting and it blows. But at least I met someone that is so hard to say goodbye to, because THAT is what is REAL. Although my heart is bruised and battered, there are SO many good things that have come of this. Deanna and Carly came into my life and my heart, and I feel like I'm part of another family. Deanna is giving me her shoulder to cry on and being there for me like nothing I have ever seen. She let me vent for an HOUR AND A HALF on the phone yesterday and that's all I needed, just somebody to listen and know that they care. I didn't lose Daniel, because you can't lose something that you never had. I didn't lose the battle. I surrendered. I could not add to his already full plate of bullshit. I wanted to fight for him. I wanted to scream and yell and cry. But that does not get you anywhere, it just makes things harder...for everyone involved. Daniel needs to figure this shit out for himself. There was good stuff here, I know this and he knows this and everyone who ever saw us together KNOWS THIS. While I was talking to my niece, Miranda, last night she was crying for me because for some reason, the tears just wouldn't come to my eyes. I laughed at her for crying and told her to quit being such a pussy. But she told me she was crying for all the things I was saying and she was crying because she could feel my heart breaking and she was crying because she knows, at fifteen, that Daniel is making a mistake. She told me that she loved seeing us together, granted, it was only a few times, but she said she could see in my face how happy I was and loved it how I laughed all the time. What I wonder is why is it so easy for everyone else to see, but he seems to be blind to it? I understand that he wants to make a family for his children, but just because you are all together doesn't mean that you're going to be happy. Daniel is not a selfish person, he saw Sara hurting, even though in my eyes she was and is manipulating him, and he did the one thing he could do to fix it. I'm not selfish and I let him go, even though it hurts like hell. I CARE about him, and I had to do that for him. Deanna reminded me of the bible story last night where two mothers were both claiming that this one baby was their's. So the Lord says, I'll cut the baby in half, and each of you can take the half. One mother said, fine, go for it but the real mother said no, because she would rather have her baby be safe without her, then hurt with her. That is how the Lord knew who the true mother was and Deanna said that is how she knows who really cares about Daniel.

A Tribute To Daniel February 28, 2006

It's amazing the clarity that comes from three days of no food, binge drinking, and being heart broken. For the most part, I sit here and I feel sorry for myself. But if you know the Tater, you know it's time I slap the crap out of myself and say "Man up! This isn't the end of the world!" and I KNOW it isn't. It fucking sucks, that's for damn sure. No matter how crappy the situation is, I'm the kind of person to find something good to come out of it. I wanted to be "Tara and Daniel", I liked being "Tara and Daniel", but if it can only be "Tara's friend Daniel" I'll take it. I know when to hold them and I know when to fold them. It was just time for me to fold. Even though I was folding a great fucking hand, if you have nothing left to bet, it's time you take your sunglasses off, tell everyone "good game" and go to the bar and have yourself a little farewell drink. More like a little farewell six pack and a bottle of sparkling wine in my case, but hey I'm the Tater. ;) I want all my friends to know I appreciate the "he's an idiot", "it's his loss", and "what a fucking dick" comments, it's nice to know that I have so many kick ass people who have my back and who don't like seeing me hurt. Daniel is a great guy and I feel lucky to have gotten the chance to spend three kick ass months with him. It was fucking great dude. That's why it's so hard to let go and that's why I'm going to miss him so much. He was that cool and the selfish part of me doesn't want to let go, because I was having fun! But I know he has his shit he needs to deal with and I had to let him go. Maybe that's a cop out and maybe it all boils down to he just wasn't that into me, but either way I still had a great fucking time.

So for that, I salute you Daniel Ray Retherford and I hope we can once again have a kick ass time and by the way, you might have caught the fish, but I got off your line while you were smoking a cigarette and now I'm back in the fucking river. Catch and release, buddy. You better use a better lure next time. ;)

A Tribute to Valentines Day 2005

Valentine's Day is here. If you're in a relationship, stop reading right now. This is for single people, of which I am one. Being alone on Valentine's Day is like being a vegetarian on Thanksgiving: Everyone is gorging themselves while you sit there and play with your peas. You can hardly swallow, and if you could you probably wouldn't be alone. (Sorry, I couldn't resist.)

The road to love is a long and treacherous one, paved with skanky chicks and the occasional she-male. You went out to countless bars, hoping to meet her. You bought hundreds of shots with nales like Slow Comfortable Screw, Sex on the Beac and Sex in the Backseat of My Car, only to have them thrown in your face. Or you sat at home in your underwear, crusing the Internet, looking for someone to connect with. Someone to whom you would finally get a chance to say those three magic words: "Are you 18?"

So you don't have a date. At least you don't have to spend hundreds of dollars on flowers, candy and romantic meals. (Red Lobster is, in fact, romantic - if you lose the bib.) And the worst thing is that even when you do all of that, you can't just go home and have sex. You have to take a long walk or freeze your ass off in a horse-drawn carriage. (Actually, is that romantic or Amish? I'm not quite sure.) And you're still not done. When you get home, it's "back-rub time," and you'd better pray that Waiting to Exhale isn't on cable. By the time your lady is ready, your face is wind-burned and your hands have formed into claws. You look like the special you ate at Red Lobster three hours ago.

But eventually you do get to have sex. Or should I say "make love"? There's a big difference. Sex is what single folk do. Sex can happen anywhere and anytime: at work, at school, at church or in the bathroom on the bus on the way back from all three. It's fun, quick and usually leads to a walk-in clinc appointment a couple of days later. Making love, on the other hand, involves hand-holding, eye contact and emotion. Sure, sometimes you might "spice it up" a bit with sex toys or whips or something, but after they play Ass Rodeo or Naughty School Girl and Naked Janitor with the Magic Vibrating Mop, lovers don't have to get dressed, take their wallet out of their shoe and get a cab.Trying to hook up on Valentine's Day is impossible. I never have, but I always seem to score on President's Day. I guess 'cause when I'm drunk I look like Martin Van Buren. If you see single women hanging out together on Valentines Day, believe me, they do not want to talk to you. They are content drinking tequila and blathering about how much men suck. Steer clear unless you want a trip to Pepper Spray Land.Now, just 'cause you're alone doesn't mean you can't have some kind of romantic night - you just have to get creative. Here are a few ideas that have helped me though many a lonely Valentine's Day: Rent a limo and go to your ex-girfriend's house. Park in the driveway and masturbate. On the way back, hit a drive-through - Taco Bell is good - get a whole big bag of food and built a woman. Go home and take erotic photos with your dog. Just set up the camera and spread peanut butter on your shorts, and before you know it, your dog is Paris Hilton. Or get a wheelbarrow and take all of your porn movies out for a walk. Or put on a wig and high heels and get a colonoscopy. Tell the doctor to take his time, then close your eyes and dream. Happy Valentine's Day.

Dave Attell...I salute you