Please email me your addresses to tara929882@hotmail.com so I can get my Christmas cards out. Thank you!

BRING BACK BILL!

Three days before tryouts, Roosevelt High School decided not to renew my brother-in-law, Bill's, contract. We all knew this day was coming but how they did it was extremely poor form. Bill was the head coach for 9 years and assistant coach for 4 years. To do that to him after all those years he dedicated his time (and money) was extremely insulting.

My sister talked with him yesterday and he is fine. As you can imagine, his phone is ringing off the hook. His goal is to work as a mentor for high risk youth but hasn't completely dismissed the idea of coaching.

Here's a link to an article in the Seattle Times: http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/highschoolsports/2004005443_resler10.html

The First Craving

Last night was the first time I REALLY wanted a drink. It was Friday night, I was done with work for the week, I wasn't feeling up to anything and that was making me feel a little down. I felt a little lonely. I was wondering what to do with myself because usually on Friday night I'm HAVING that drink. It didn't last long because God gave me a heck of a migraine and then alcohol was the LAST thing on my mind. He's always there to give you a kick in the butt when you need it. :)

These are some of the people I am giving up my addiction for...

*They are in no particular order.

My parents, Donna Mihm and Greg Knapp (unpictured). They have been my strength.

My best friend, Melinda Thoerner, of 18 years. Her ability to believe in me no matter how many times I fall.

My niece, Melina Thoerner. A child who I want to make a good example for.

My family (and part time co-workers) in Fairbanks: Harold, Josh, Jake, and Daniel. They have my back and are always there to help if I need to talk.

My little brother, Gregory, who is going through a difficult time as well and I'm hoping I can show him the strength I have to overcome an addiction to empower him as well.

My older sister, Katie Martin, who prayed with me and showed me the road to God in my darkest hours. My older sister, Patty Kramer (unpictured), who always told me things would get better even when I didn't think they would.

My niece, Miranda Johnson, so I can show her that life isn't about "partying." Even though it may seem like that while in high school.

My older brother, John Knapp, who is watching me from heaven and cheering me on.

My nephews, Kyle and Kobe Kramer, who have lost so much in their life that I cannot bear to live my life in a way they might lose me too.

My nieces, Jolie and Sophia Martin, who are so young and look at me with those adoring eyes. I would never want to be any kind of person that would make them look at me any different way.

The love of my life, Daniel Stephens, who has the amazing ability to love and forgive me. I want to show him that I can better myself.

Myself. I want to prove to myself that I can be a fun loving person without alcohol.

The steps I have taken so far...

1. I admitted I am powerless over alcohol--that my life had become unmanageable.

2. I came to believe that a Power greater than myself could restore me to sanity.

3. I made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understood Him.

...And I have never felt better in my whole life.

Finding Tara

I have been going through a really hard time lately. I have fallen into the clutches of the devil yet again. This time I'm coming back with a vengence. My sister, Katie, prayed with me over the phone Sunday and Monday for God to give me the strength to do what I need to do for myself. Yesterday I went to my first AA meeting. In the beginning we had a moment of prayer and I prayed "Dear Lord, I want you to take over my life now. I'm giving my life to you and I know that you will lead me in the right direction." I was asked to introduce myself since I was a newcomer and I nearly choked on the words "My name is Tara and I'm an alcoholic," but I got them out and a wave of peace waved over me after that. There were people that I hadn't ever met that were coming up to me and telling me how proud they were of me and giving me hugs. One lady bought me "The Big Book," which is pretty much the handbook for Alcoholics Anonymous. After the meeting Dan and I sat down and had a talk. I told him that I loved him and that I wanted to be with him but I needed to work on myself right now. I told him I didn't blame him if he didn't believe me this time or trust me. I told him I was moving out. There were lots of tears and we decided to slow things down. We have been sleeping in seperate rooms for two nights now. This is probably one of the most difficult times of my life. I woke with a sense of calm this morning, with a sense that everything is going to be okay. I still have a little fear in me that it won't work with Daniel, that he might not love me as much as I love him. Only time will tell and I know that I need to love myself more than I love him and to live my life God's way. I am going to another AA meeting this evening at 5:30 p.m. I would appreciate all the prayers I can get. I know it's going to be a long road and the devil is going to tempt me to sin. But I have God on my side, and now I KNOW it.

Have you ever picked up the phone to call someone and realize there is no one you can talk to? Have you ever been hurt by the one you love but you don't want to talk to anyone about it because you don't them thinking less of the person you love?

Have you ever felt so alone that all you could do is write and wish for some kind of happiness to make everything better?It's funny how sometimes the saddest girl in the world can have a smile on her face almost all of the time. The girl that can always make you laugh is crying on the inside.I'm so sick of blaming things on myself. I feel that the people who know me know what to say to truly hurt me and the thing is I can't tell them that they're wrong.

I feel that the only time I really let things out and FEEL things is when I've had a few drinks. I know that it isn't the best thing to deal with things but I also know that they are never dealt with when I'm sober. I'm so afraid of losing a loved one that I put up with almost anything. I have started to ask myself lately "is it me?" or is it something else? It's easy for people to deal with my by just saying "Oh, she was drunk," and I start to wonder if that's an easy out for people who don't really love me.

Little Brother

Dan was sick and wasn't able to be my "Dog" for Halloween this year. My little brother, Gregory, stepped in and saved the day.

Together we won Best Couple Costume as "Dog the Bounty Hunter" and "Beth Chapman" at Melinda's Halloween Party.

I hope everyone had a Happy Halloween 2007!

There comes a time in your life when you finally get it ... When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out "ENOUGH!

You accept the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are... and that's OK... they are entitled to their own views and opinions.

And you begin to love and to care for yourself. You stop engaging in self-destructive behaviors, including participating in dysfunctional relationships.

Then you learn about love and relationships - how to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away.

And, at the same time, you eliminate any relationships that are hurtful or fail to uplift and edify you. You stop working so hard at smoothing things over and setting your needs aside.You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that eventually martyrs are burned at the stake. Then you learn to distinguish between guilt, and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to Say NO.

You learn that the only love worth giving and receiving is the love that is given freely without conditions or limitations.You learn that "alone" does not mean "lonely" and you begin to discover the joy of spending time "with yourself" and "on yourself." Then you discover the greatest and most fulfilling love you will ever know. Self Love.

Moving along, you begin to avoid Toxic people and conversations. And you stop wasting time and energy rehashing your situation with family and friends.You learn that talk doesn't change things and that unrequited wishes can only serve to keep you trapped in the past. So you stop lamenting over what could or should have been and you make a decision to leave the past behind.

You take a personal inventory of all your strengths and weaknesses and the areas you need to improve in order to move ahead, you set your goals and map out a plan of action to see things through.

You learn that life isn't always fair and you learn to accept that sometimes bad things happen to good people and that these things are not an act of God... but merely a random act of fate.And you stop looking for guarantees, because you've learned that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected and that whatever happens, you'll learn to deal with it.

And you learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time - FEAR itself. So you learn to step right into and through your fears, because to give into fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms.

You learn that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophesy and you learn to go after what you want and not to squander your life living under a cloud of indecision or feelings of impending doom.

And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting and to stay open to every wonderful opportunity and exciting possibility. Then you hang a wind chime outside your window to remind yourself what beauty there is in Simplicity.