Saturday, March 29, 2008

Envy?

I’m listening to Dan talk to his sister. I remember phone calls with my brother. It makes me think of how lucky he is to be able to have that conversation. That is what makes unexpected loss so hard to deal with. I never expected to lose a part of my daily life. A phone call with my brother was JUST that, a phone call. Nothing more, nothing less. Am I depressed? No. Am I sad? Suprisingly, no. I sat here for a little bit and thought I might be jealous, but that didn’t sound right. I am envious. Are they the same thing? The main thing I feel is "Well, that sucks." There’s nothing I can do about it, nothing I can change. I have lived without John for 22 months and I will continue to live without him for the rest of my life. I have come to terms with that. I am not angry anymore. I would say that I’m wistful. I will always wish that I were able to have him in my life forever. I will miss him at important events in my life. I will miss him at unimportant events in my life. I will miss him when Uncle Cracker comes on the radio while I’m in my car and whenever I hear the word "bungholio." The difference now is when I miss him I smile, no I smirk, as I think of him and his personality. There was a long time after John left that I couldn’t handle the grief and I turned to alcohol and drugs to numb my pain. It was easier to cry and rage while under the influence. I was able to let go of my "strength" that kept my pain inside when I was sober. The hardest part about being sober is feeling the pain. Feeling something that hurts so deep and realizing this is a pain that will only lessen with time and wanting that time to pass quickly but realizing when it does "Am I forgetting? Am I letting go?" which sent me into a different tailspin where I felt that I had to hold on to that pain in "honor" of my brother and if it didn’t hurt then I didn’t "care" anymore and it was "okay" that he died. The grieving part of me didn’t want to release that pain, no matter how much I despised feeling it, because when I did let go of the hurt then it would be "over," and no matter how much it destroyed me I did not want to set myself free. If I set myself free I would finally have to say goodbye to John. For reals this time. I couldn’t do it. I have since let go but typing those words still stop my heart and send me into an inner panic. There’s still that Tara from 2006 screaming inside me, "I don’t want to! What am I going to do without him? I need him and I want him RIGHT NOW! He was a best friend to me. Please don’t take that away. I’ll do anything. Why didn’t I answer his last phone call to me? Why was I so stubborn and sure I was doing the right thing? All tough love did was take the last chance I had to talk to him! Why was I such a bitch the night he got into the accident? I didn’t even answer Mom’s call because I was too busy getting our luggage from the airport. I told Patty I wasn’t going to visit him in the hospital this time because I was sick of him getting high and ending up in the hospital and expecting all of us to run to his side to nurture him and tell him it was all going to be okay." It brings me back to that night. Walking through the front door of my apartment. Calling Steve and saying in a monotone voice that John had gotten in a car accident and it’s pretty bad and Mom said he might not make it so I probably wasn’t going to make it out with Terry and him that night. I was a little worried but the "normal" part of me was saying it was nothing and God wouldn’t do that, he wouldn’t let us lose another family member in a stupid car wreck, it just doesn’t happen like that. Steve said to me "I’m really sorry, Tara, and it’s okay to cry if you need to and I’ll come over." My eyes filled with tears and I told him it was nothing and I would call him tomorrow. In that moment I knew that I might be losing that brother and in that moment Steve went from party friend/guy kind of dated to dear friend of mine and that is what he has been to me ever since. John’s death has opened my eyes to the real friendships in my life and the not so real friendships fell by the wayside. The people I would have never considered as life long friends have become those. My friend, Zack, who I had known less than a year at the time was standing in the back of the church at my brother’s service. He had met John once or twice, but was there to support me if I needed it. Drew filled in for John as big brother role. I have had so many blessings since John went up to be with the Big Guy. I finally have let him go and embrace the life in front of me. There are times when I look over my shoulder and a part of me wants run back and be with my brosef but during those times I see his goofy grin and I wave to him and say, "Watch this shit, it’s going to be GREAT."