Scary Tales Of The Estranged Nose Hair

Something horrible happened this morning.

No, it was not that fact that I went out to get in my car and saw the driver of the short bus parked in my apartment driveway smoking a cigarette. First of all, that made me feel like I lived in the ghetto if people are parking in my driveway for a smoke break. Come on. Is there that many children in Anchorage that ride the short bus that you have to stop on your way to pick them up to have a smoke? And, if that is the case, should there be a bigger bus? That way we wouldn't call it "the short bus", I'm sure some asshole would find a much meaner name for it.

I stop by PerkUp to get my usual 16 ounce americano with an inch of cream and half a shot of vanilla (I always say my order incase some nice blog reader of mine wants to bring me a coffee during my grueling day of work) and my jalapeno cheese bagel. The "other girl" was there and I just looked at her with my one-eyebrow-look and ask Tara to make my coffee. Amazingly enough, my coffee stop went smooth and I was out of there fast and there was even a nice lady who let me out on to Dowling. It's gonna be a good day Tater.

I'm driving down my favorite road, the one where Potter turns into Dowling, I love it because of all the turns and no stop lights and I pretty much haul ass and feel like I'm king of the road. I come up to the Old Seward stop light and glance in the mirror. Ewww, there's a little boogey visible in my nose. Upon further inspection IT IS NOT A BOOGEY AT ALL!!! It is a black hair!!! GROSS!!! I have seriously pondered if God meant to make me a boy several times. I can deal with being vulgar and rude. I can deal with having my few close chick friends. I can even deal with the fact that I have to wax the ol' 'stache every now and then. What I cannot deal with, is the fact I have to buy a nose trimmer. I have seen the nose trimmers. They don't sell pretty pink girly ones. There huge manly black ones. I will have to buy it through the U-Scan instead of the regular check out so I don't have to lie and say "Oh it's for my non-existant boyfriend/husband!" While they're looking out my nose hairs and thinking "Yeah right, Wooly Mammoth."

I blame it all on the time my boss was out of town and Dean and I found Dave's nose trimmers in his office. We decided to trim our nose hairs because Dean said it felt really weird. So we cleaned out his trimmers in my bathroom and proceeded to trim our nose hairs. It was fun and it made me sneeze. So that one time, two and a half years ago, when I trimmed my nose I did not realize that they would grow back three fold! I am officially a "She-Man". Miranda will be proud.

You ain't got no control.

After sleeping 15 hours last night, I woke up this morning refreshed and ready to start my day! Actually, that's a complete lie. I hit snooze from 6:30 a.m. until 8:40 a.m. and then finally dragged my butt out of bed made myself a coffee and Baileys and took a shower. Afterall, I couldn't be late to work since I had an interview at 9:30 a.m. It was a pretty uneventful morning of me getting ready, I almost sat on Ceasar and that made me laugh. I stop by my coffee shop on the way to work and to my dismay my coffee girl, Tara, is not working. Uggh, I hate it when that happens. She's the only one who knows how to make my americano with cream and vanilla how I like it. Fuckity fuck. So, I tell the "other girl" how I like it. 16 ounce americano with about an inch of cream and not so sweet on the vanilla. Well, here she is bullshitting with some dude on the other side about "cougars". No, not the fuzzy cougars in the jungle, the cougars that guys so maturely call older women to fuck younger guys. The conversation doesn't bother me so much, because you know how I am, vulgar and inappropriate at all times. But THEY didn't know that, and I was a CUSTOMER. Hmmph. So anyway, she hands me my coffee WITHOUT the cool little sticker cover that I collect and put on my windshield. Then informs me that they are OUT of jalapeno cheese bagels. Fuck shit god damn. Fine, a regular cheese is fine. Then she hands me my bagel and cream cheese WITHOUT a plastic knife. I inform her that I only use my swiss army knife for killing baristas with bad service. So she hands me a plastic knife. I drive away fucking pissed and then decide to try my coffee. I guess "not so sweet" meant "pour half of the fucking bottle of vanilla in it". Cock sucking bitch ass. This just screws up my day. I run a red light on C st, almost crash into those orangle cylinder construction things, and then my 9:30 a.m. interviewee DOES NOT SHOW UP. So here I am, an hour until my next interview. Now I will eat my cheese bagel WITHOUT jalapenos and start my filing and other office managerial duties until my 11:00 a.m. interviewee doesn't show up either. Fuck

Slap Your Co-Worker Day is Coming!!

Tomorrow is the official Slap Your Irritating Co-workers Holiday.

Do you have a co-worker who talks nonstop about nothing, working your last nerve with tedious and boring details that you don't give a damn about?

Do you have a co-worker who ALWAYS screws up stuff creating MORE work for you?

Do you have a co-worker who kisses so much booty, you can look in their mouth and see what your boss had for lunch?

Do you have a co-worker who is SOOO obnoxious,when he/she enters a room, everyone else clears it?

Well, on behalf of IkeTurner, I am so very very glad to officially announce tomorrow as SLAP YOUR IRRITATING CO-WORKER DAY!

There are the rules you must follow:

* You can only slap one person per hour - no more.

* You can slap the same person again if they irritate you again in the same day.

* You are allowed to hold someone down as other co-workers take their turns slapping the irritant.

* No weapons are allowed...other than going upside somebody's head with a stapler or a hole-puncher.

* CURSING IS MANDATORY! After you have slapped the recipient, your"assault" must be followed with something like "cause I'm sick of your stupid-ass always messing up stuff!"

* If questioned by a supervisor or police, (if the supervisor is the irritant), you are allowed to LIE, LIE, LIE! Now, study the rules, break out your list of folks that you want to slap the living day lights out of and get to slapping.....and have a GREAT DAY!

Goodbye Alaska!

Every one is leaving Alaska. So I have decided to leave Alaska too. It will be quite the while before I move because I am moving to Manhatten. I have decided to move there because I want to become a writer for Maxim. Before I leave I need to save up all the money I can and get my degrees done (a bachelors in accounting and an associates in journalism). I might be 45 before I leave, but I WILL BE LEAVING. So say your goodbyes now, I am going to be the next Erma Bombeck, except for I want to write for Maxim instead of a Newspaper. I will be the first Knapp to go out and make myself famous. I am going to start sending things into Maxim so please feel free to give me suggestions on what I should send in!!

My heart is bullshit.

There is that certain person in everyone's life that will stay there forever. No matter how much this person hurts you or pisses you off. You will have that connection that for some reason you cannot let yourself break off. It comes from loving that person and having that person as number one in your life for so long that you can't fathom the idea that they truly are a jack ass and you let yourself love a jack ass. For me, that person is Chad Shafer. He was the guy that I honestly thought I was going to marry. The guy I thought was my first true love. The guy that I lost myself in and I paid the highest price for it: my integrity. I finally opened my eyes and got myself out of the situation, but I'm afraid he will haunt me for the rest of my life. On May 26 we will have been broken up for a year and I am not in love with him anymore and I would never get in another relationship with him. Not only because I have moved on and I know that I deserve more, but because he doesn't want that in me either. My sister, Patty, told me that some people know that I'm too good for them and they cannot stand the thought of letting me down, so they just leave. I think maybe I should quit being so hard on people and expecting so much. Not everyone is as strong as me, but they can be, and that is when I know I will never change in that aspect. I figure that if I can do it, you can do it. Nothing in this world is handed to you and if you want something bad enough, you will die fighting for it. At least that is what I will do. I have given up on Chad and let him go, he is not worth me trying to fix because he won't change for anyone, especially himself. What I haven't taken back is that piece of my heart, the piece that wants the best for him and the piece that breaks because I know it's not going to be me that is best for him. I wanted it for so long and I still deeply miss him at times. I miss our friendship and joking around. I thank God that we are at that point again being friends, but dammit if he fucking knows what to say to stab my heart. When he's happy he is the greatest person to be around but when he's pissed everyone better fucking watch out because he's like a loaded gun ready to shoot at the first person. Usually, it being me and even though I know what he says isn't true and I know he is saying it out of anger, it still hurts to hear someone that you care about talk to you like that. But I will still talk to Chad until that little piece of my heart finds it's way back to my heart. I'm just wondering with all these little pieces of my heart floating around with people who don't deserve it, how much of a heart do I have left? Am I really as bitter and cynical as I feel?

What life is really like.

Life isn't like a bowl of cherries or peaches. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow. Trust me, I am a true connoisseur of jalapenos and burning ass. Like every time I go to TGIF I have a Bloody Mary. Little did I know that my "yellow banana pepper" was a fucking jalapeno until Kim filled me in.

"Why is my pepper so hot today?" I ask in wonder.

"Because it's a fucking jalapeno, you dumb ass!" Kim lovingly responds to me.

Instead of taking my usual dump this morning, I took three. Is this because of the espresso's I bought on my way to work the last two mornings...or, is it because of the jalapeno cheese bagels I also bought the last two mornings?

Just a little insight into my day. Hope you enjoyed!!

How I really feel...No tough guy act.

When everything is wrong, we move along.
When all you got to keep is strong, move along.
Move along like I know you do.
And even when your hope is gone, move along.
Move along just to make it through.

"Move Along" by The All-American Rejects came on the MTV hit list while I was at the gym last night. I usually don't like this video because I think the video is retarded. But when it came on yesterday I decided to close my eyes and just listen to the music. It spoke to something deep within my soul. The truth of the statements. No matter what happens in life, all you can do is move along. Mentally, I have been standing still and even moving backwards. I enjoy being single to the extent that I have no one to live for but me, no one is hurting me on a daily basis or pissing me off. I can do what I want whenever I want and I don't have to answer to anyone. If I want to stay out all night drinking and then sleep in and watch Sex & The City, I can. I can go hang out with a guy friend and not have to accusations of me sleeping with him, when all that's going on is friendship. The only thing I miss is being loved, having that one person who loves you more than anything. Being number one in someone's life. I met this guy and we've been talking and hanging out a little bit and he asked me last night why I wasn't married. I answered, because I'm only 22 and I haven't met anyone I want to marry yet. Then he asks me why I'm single because I'm so pretty and nice and funny (obviously, he doesn't know me that well yet) and he's surprised someone hasn't snatched me up yet. I took that with the usual grain of salt guy comment, a corny compliment that doesn't mean shit to me. I'm single because I'm picky. I want someone who makes me laugh, who has a good heart, who wants to get to know my friends and family, who's a fucking man and will stand up for his opinions and beliefs, and you know what? I haven't fucking found that yet. So I'm still single.

Tara's Luck Filled Weekend

It is completely amazing the amount of bullshit I have run into lately. On Friday I was being a good girl. I knew I had to be at work at 8:00 a.m. on Saturday so instead of drinking and partying with Thorin at a Birthday party in Wasilla, I stayed sober and got us back to Anchorage and was in bed at 12:30 a.m. I had five interviews scheduled every half hour from 8:00 a.m. until 10:00 a.m. Out of those five, only two showed up. My 8:00 a.m. and my 10:00 a.m. They were great interviews and I ended up hiring the 10:00 a.m. and going about my merry way.

Thorin's going away party was a fucking blast. Until about 1:00 a.m. when Steve and Brian decide to get in a fight. I'm trying to break it up and I punch Brian in the face, it doesn't faze either of them. So I tell Lunch Box (I don't know his real name) to break it up and he refuses and just sits there and watches. This about makes me kick his ass. So I push him and call him a pussy and go get Thorin to break it up. I say fuck this and into the back of Steve's truck so go to sleep. Meanwhile Steve gets pissed off and jumps in his truck drunk off his ass and drives away WITH ME STILL IN THE BACK! I'm screaming as I'm flying all over the back of his truck. He doesn't stop until he gets to my house and screams at me to get out of his truck. Here I am covered in mud with only a skirt and a tank top on. Who knows where my jacket or shoes are since the mad man decided to drive like a jack ass all over Anchorage and kill me. I walk into my house to find Jenny and Miranda staring at me like I have two heads. I'm crying and saying what a jerk Steven is and it pretty much looks like I just got my ass kicked and dragged through the mud. I have bruises over my entire body and a cut on my elbow. All I keep saying is "I look like a homeless person" and they're trying their hardest not to start laughing at me. Thinking back on it, I'm sure I looked pretty humerous. Jenny goes out and finds my purse and jacket for me, still no sign of my shoes. Drama. Steve spends the night in my driveway because when I got on to solid ground I told him I wrote down his plate number and if he drives again I will call the cops on him.

The rest of my weekend was fine. I hung out at Momma's and did laundry and went to bed early last night. So, then this morning the person I hired DOES NOT SHOW UP!!! No call, no nothing. I tell her she can start Monday at 10:00 a.m. and NOTHING! I have to ask myself, bad luck comes in three's, right? Is it over now?

Stay tuned to see if my apartment catches on fire or if I shit my pants while at UAA on my lunch break. Fuck