A Tribute To My Broken Heart March 1, 2006

I feel like I have been running around in circles inside my head. I've been saying the same things to myself, to my friends, to my family. Maybe if I keep saying these things, I will finally be convinced. I don't want to hear that I will be fine, I know I'll be fucking fine. I don't want to hear that time heals all wounds, I know it does, I'm not stupid. I KNOW that I won't feel like this for two weeks, let alone the rest of my life. That's the great thing about time, it just keeps going by whether you want it to or not. I'm hurting and it blows. But at least I met someone that is so hard to say goodbye to, because THAT is what is REAL. Although my heart is bruised and battered, there are SO many good things that have come of this. Deanna and Carly came into my life and my heart, and I feel like I'm part of another family. Deanna is giving me her shoulder to cry on and being there for me like nothing I have ever seen. She let me vent for an HOUR AND A HALF on the phone yesterday and that's all I needed, just somebody to listen and know that they care. I didn't lose Daniel, because you can't lose something that you never had. I didn't lose the battle. I surrendered. I could not add to his already full plate of bullshit. I wanted to fight for him. I wanted to scream and yell and cry. But that does not get you anywhere, it just makes things harder...for everyone involved. Daniel needs to figure this shit out for himself. There was good stuff here, I know this and he knows this and everyone who ever saw us together KNOWS THIS. While I was talking to my niece, Miranda, last night she was crying for me because for some reason, the tears just wouldn't come to my eyes. I laughed at her for crying and told her to quit being such a pussy. But she told me she was crying for all the things I was saying and she was crying because she could feel my heart breaking and she was crying because she knows, at fifteen, that Daniel is making a mistake. She told me that she loved seeing us together, granted, it was only a few times, but she said she could see in my face how happy I was and loved it how I laughed all the time. What I wonder is why is it so easy for everyone else to see, but he seems to be blind to it? I understand that he wants to make a family for his children, but just because you are all together doesn't mean that you're going to be happy. Daniel is not a selfish person, he saw Sara hurting, even though in my eyes she was and is manipulating him, and he did the one thing he could do to fix it. I'm not selfish and I let him go, even though it hurts like hell. I CARE about him, and I had to do that for him. Deanna reminded me of the bible story last night where two mothers were both claiming that this one baby was their's. So the Lord says, I'll cut the baby in half, and each of you can take the half. One mother said, fine, go for it but the real mother said no, because she would rather have her baby be safe without her, then hurt with her. That is how the Lord knew who the true mother was and Deanna said that is how she knows who really cares about Daniel.