A Tribute To Apologizing April 21, 2006

The worst feeling in life is knowing that someone you care for is being a complete jack ass and there is not a damn thing you can do about it. You have tried talking to them and it doesn't work. You have written to them and it doesn't work. It leads you to believe that this person honestly doesn't give a shit about you or they are seriously brain damaged and retarded. So you find yourself wondering what they are doing and if they are happy. Then you ask yourself why you care if they obviously don't. I realize I have a problem letting go. I don't let people in and when I do, unfortunately they are in my life forever, even if I don't ever speak to them again, they are always in my heart, and I find myself either cursing them or blessing them with each day that comes. Take Chad Shafer for instance, he is the biggest prick that I ever met in my life. I cannot stand talking to him or even being in the same state as him. But I know all of Chad Shafer and I find myself missing the seldom "good" parts of him and hoping all is well in his life. While my family and friends think I'm insane and should write him off completely, kind of like Daniel did to me. Such is life, and it goes on, I don't think you ever "get over" the pain, I just think you learn to live with it and eventually you don't notice it as much in your daily life.

I'm sorry that Daniel came up to me at Carousel that night in December.

I'm sorry that Daniel fell for me and wanted to be with me.

I'm sorry that Sara never brought that smile to Daniel's face that is burned in my memory.

I'm sorry that Sara held Aiden and Ian over Daniel's head unless he would come back to her.

I'm sorry that Daniel wasn't strong enough to fight the good fight.

I'm sorry that I gave Daniel back the bear with the Pink Leo shirt on that he won for me in the claw machine.

I'm sorry that I fell for someone who had so much baggage.

I'm sorry that I let Daniel "have his cake and eat it too".

I'm sorry that I lost one of my best friends.

But most of all, I'm sorry that I'm the only one who is devastated over this situation and no one understands why.