A Tribute to Valentines Day 2005
Valentine's Day is here. If you're in a relationship, stop reading right now. This is for single people, of which I am one. Being alone on Valentine's Day is like being a vegetarian on Thanksgiving: Everyone is gorging themselves while you sit there and play with your peas. You can hardly swallow, and if you could you probably wouldn't be alone. (Sorry, I couldn't resist.)
The road to love is a long and treacherous one, paved with skanky chicks and the occasional she-male. You went out to countless bars, hoping to meet her. You bought hundreds of shots with nales like Slow Comfortable Screw, Sex on the Beac and Sex in the Backseat of My Car, only to have them thrown in your face. Or you sat at home in your underwear, crusing the Internet, looking for someone to connect with. Someone to whom you would finally get a chance to say those three magic words: "Are you 18?"
So you don't have a date. At least you don't have to spend hundreds of dollars on flowers, candy and romantic meals. (Red Lobster is, in fact, romantic - if you lose the bib.) And the worst thing is that even when you do all of that, you can't just go home and have sex. You have to take a long walk or freeze your ass off in a horse-drawn carriage. (Actually, is that romantic or Amish? I'm not quite sure.) And you're still not done. When you get home, it's "back-rub time," and you'd better pray that Waiting to Exhale isn't on cable. By the time your lady is ready, your face is wind-burned and your hands have formed into claws. You look like the special you ate at Red Lobster three hours ago.
But eventually you do get to have sex. Or should I say "make love"? There's a big difference. Sex is what single folk do. Sex can happen anywhere and anytime: at work, at school, at church or in the bathroom on the bus on the way back from all three. It's fun, quick and usually leads to a walk-in clinc appointment a couple of days later. Making love, on the other hand, involves hand-holding, eye contact and emotion. Sure, sometimes you might "spice it up" a bit with sex toys or whips or something, but after they play Ass Rodeo or Naughty School Girl and Naked Janitor with the Magic Vibrating Mop, lovers don't have to get dressed, take their wallet out of their shoe and get a cab.Trying to hook up on Valentine's Day is impossible. I never have, but I always seem to score on President's Day. I guess 'cause when I'm drunk I look like Martin Van Buren. If you see single women hanging out together on Valentines Day, believe me, they do not want to talk to you. They are content drinking tequila and blathering about how much men suck. Steer clear unless you want a trip to Pepper Spray Land.Now, just 'cause you're alone doesn't mean you can't have some kind of romantic night - you just have to get creative. Here are a few ideas that have helped me though many a lonely Valentine's Day: Rent a limo and go to your ex-girfriend's house. Park in the driveway and masturbate. On the way back, hit a drive-through - Taco Bell is good - get a whole big bag of food and built a woman. Go home and take erotic photos with your dog. Just set up the camera and spread peanut butter on your shorts, and before you know it, your dog is Paris Hilton. Or get a wheelbarrow and take all of your porn movies out for a walk. Or put on a wig and high heels and get a colonoscopy. Tell the doctor to take his time, then close your eyes and dream. Happy Valentine's Day.
Dave Attell...I salute you
Valentine's Day is here. If you're in a relationship, stop reading right now. This is for single people, of which I am one. Being alone on Valentine's Day is like being a vegetarian on Thanksgiving: Everyone is gorging themselves while you sit there and play with your peas. You can hardly swallow, and if you could you probably wouldn't be alone. (Sorry, I couldn't resist.)
The road to love is a long and treacherous one, paved with skanky chicks and the occasional she-male. You went out to countless bars, hoping to meet her. You bought hundreds of shots with nales like Slow Comfortable Screw, Sex on the Beac and Sex in the Backseat of My Car, only to have them thrown in your face. Or you sat at home in your underwear, crusing the Internet, looking for someone to connect with. Someone to whom you would finally get a chance to say those three magic words: "Are you 18?"
So you don't have a date. At least you don't have to spend hundreds of dollars on flowers, candy and romantic meals. (Red Lobster is, in fact, romantic - if you lose the bib.) And the worst thing is that even when you do all of that, you can't just go home and have sex. You have to take a long walk or freeze your ass off in a horse-drawn carriage. (Actually, is that romantic or Amish? I'm not quite sure.) And you're still not done. When you get home, it's "back-rub time," and you'd better pray that Waiting to Exhale isn't on cable. By the time your lady is ready, your face is wind-burned and your hands have formed into claws. You look like the special you ate at Red Lobster three hours ago.
But eventually you do get to have sex. Or should I say "make love"? There's a big difference. Sex is what single folk do. Sex can happen anywhere and anytime: at work, at school, at church or in the bathroom on the bus on the way back from all three. It's fun, quick and usually leads to a walk-in clinc appointment a couple of days later. Making love, on the other hand, involves hand-holding, eye contact and emotion. Sure, sometimes you might "spice it up" a bit with sex toys or whips or something, but after they play Ass Rodeo or Naughty School Girl and Naked Janitor with the Magic Vibrating Mop, lovers don't have to get dressed, take their wallet out of their shoe and get a cab.Trying to hook up on Valentine's Day is impossible. I never have, but I always seem to score on President's Day. I guess 'cause when I'm drunk I look like Martin Van Buren. If you see single women hanging out together on Valentines Day, believe me, they do not want to talk to you. They are content drinking tequila and blathering about how much men suck. Steer clear unless you want a trip to Pepper Spray Land.Now, just 'cause you're alone doesn't mean you can't have some kind of romantic night - you just have to get creative. Here are a few ideas that have helped me though many a lonely Valentine's Day: Rent a limo and go to your ex-girfriend's house. Park in the driveway and masturbate. On the way back, hit a drive-through - Taco Bell is good - get a whole big bag of food and built a woman. Go home and take erotic photos with your dog. Just set up the camera and spread peanut butter on your shorts, and before you know it, your dog is Paris Hilton. Or get a wheelbarrow and take all of your porn movies out for a walk. Or put on a wig and high heels and get a colonoscopy. Tell the doctor to take his time, then close your eyes and dream. Happy Valentine's Day.
Dave Attell...I salute you
posted by Tater at 2:11 PM
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