My heart is bullshit.

There is that certain person in everyone's life that will stay there forever. No matter how much this person hurts you or pisses you off. You will have that connection that for some reason you cannot let yourself break off. It comes from loving that person and having that person as number one in your life for so long that you can't fathom the idea that they truly are a jack ass and you let yourself love a jack ass. For me, that person is Chad Shafer. He was the guy that I honestly thought I was going to marry. The guy I thought was my first true love. The guy that I lost myself in and I paid the highest price for it: my integrity. I finally opened my eyes and got myself out of the situation, but I'm afraid he will haunt me for the rest of my life. On May 26 we will have been broken up for a year and I am not in love with him anymore and I would never get in another relationship with him. Not only because I have moved on and I know that I deserve more, but because he doesn't want that in me either. My sister, Patty, told me that some people know that I'm too good for them and they cannot stand the thought of letting me down, so they just leave. I think maybe I should quit being so hard on people and expecting so much. Not everyone is as strong as me, but they can be, and that is when I know I will never change in that aspect. I figure that if I can do it, you can do it. Nothing in this world is handed to you and if you want something bad enough, you will die fighting for it. At least that is what I will do. I have given up on Chad and let him go, he is not worth me trying to fix because he won't change for anyone, especially himself. What I haven't taken back is that piece of my heart, the piece that wants the best for him and the piece that breaks because I know it's not going to be me that is best for him. I wanted it for so long and I still deeply miss him at times. I miss our friendship and joking around. I thank God that we are at that point again being friends, but dammit if he fucking knows what to say to stab my heart. When he's happy he is the greatest person to be around but when he's pissed everyone better fucking watch out because he's like a loaded gun ready to shoot at the first person. Usually, it being me and even though I know what he says isn't true and I know he is saying it out of anger, it still hurts to hear someone that you care about talk to you like that. But I will still talk to Chad until that little piece of my heart finds it's way back to my heart. I'm just wondering with all these little pieces of my heart floating around with people who don't deserve it, how much of a heart do I have left? Am I really as bitter and cynical as I feel?