Toby cuddling with a blanket made by Grandma Knapp

Thank you, Lord, for sending someone to protect me from the evils of the world and to give me unconditional love each and every day.

Toby's going to be a good big brother one day.

I wish I could write beautifully like my sister, Katie. Although I think my sister, Katie, has it all. She is the one person I look up to and vow to be like one day. She is the mother and wife that I hope I will be. I always knew Katie would be a great mother because she was such a good mother to me. When my parents were divorced twenty years ago Katie took on the job of raising John, Gregory, and me while our mom was in California. I haven't always been the greatest sister to Katie and for those times I feel completely ashamed. But even through those times Katie has been there to give me advice and love. Katie is the reason that I have found faith in belief in our Lord. During my darkest times I knew I could call Katie and tell her whatever I have done that I am hurting over and she would lift my spirits up and make me believe that I am and can be a better person. Katie is the closest sister I have in age to me although I feel like I am years younger. There are times in my life where I was angry because I wasn't skinny, smart, and beautiful like my sister, Katie was. We used to joke around when we were younger, quoting the movie "A League of Their Own." There was a father in the movie who said "This is my daughter 'Dottie,' and this is my other daughter 'Dottie's Sister." I would always tell Katie that's how it was with her and me. No matter how angry or resentful I felt growing up, I never stopped loving my sister. I have always and will always be the shorter, not as smart, chubby, funny girl with a great smile. That's not a hard thing in life to bear. What's great about me though, is I have a sister named Katie. Not a lot of people can say that. There have been rough times in my recent life. Times that involved alcoholism and loss. I almost lost the love of my life, Daniel, but Katie was there to make me believe that it would be okay on my own because, in fact, I was never alone, I had Jesus. Katie never challenged my judgment when Daniel and I got back together. The only question that was ever asked was, "Are you happy?" My sister has three beautiful girls; Sophia, age four, Jolie, age one and a half, and Tess, just born this past week. I pray to God that I am a good Aunt to these girls. I pray to God that Katie knows I would never put these girls in the face of danger. Although she has every right to worry. I pray that she knows I wouldn't do anything to hurt her girls. I remember being younger and hanging out with my sister. One night while visiting our mom in Anchorage we watched "Meet Me In St. Louie" and learned the dance Judie Garland did with her younger sister, Tootie. We promised each other that at our next school talent show that we would preform it. When I think of it now it was one of the happiest times of our life. Practicing an old dance between bowls of Tin Roof Sundae. We also did the same thing with the movie, "The War." I remember the first time we saw that movie Katie was crying so hard and I didn't quite understand. It was a sad movie and all but Katie was really upset. I remember it scaring me, I didn't want my older sister upset like that knowing there was nothing I could do.

Toby

One Year

Things We Can Learn From A Dog

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.

Allow the experience of fresh air & the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.

Let others know when they've invaded your territory.

Take naps & stretch before rising.

Run, romp & play daily.

Eat with gusto & enthusiasm.

Be Loyal.

Never pretend to be something you're not.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent,sit close by & nuzzle them gently.

Thrive on attention & let people touch you.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On hot days, drink lots of water & lay under a shady tree.

When you're happy, dance around & wag your entire body.

No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing & pout.

Run right back & make friends.

Bond with your pack.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

" He is your friend, your partner,your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He willbe yours, faithful and true, to the last beatof his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy ofsuch devotion."

" To err is human, to forgive canine."

"Nobody can fully understand the meaning of love unless they've owned a dog. A dog can show you more honest affection with a flick of his tail than one can gather through a lifetime of handshakes."

"Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies,quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate."

"The bond with a true dog is as lasting as the ties of this earth will ever be."

"We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare.And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made."

"We long for an affection altogether ignorant of our faults. Heaven has accorded this to us in the uncritical canine attachment."

"My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am."

"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear. "

Six Days Sober

And You said, "I know that this will hurt, but if I don't break your heart, things will just get worse. If the burden seems too much to bear, remember...The end will justify the pain it took to get us there."

Day One ~ Hurting

I am back on the wagon. I lost the one I love. My addiction is to blame. Myself is to blame. I knew it was going to happen. Like all alcoholics I thought that I could handle my drinking. I knew it would happen again and it was my worst fear but that did not stop me. It happened and I lost him.