Thoughts

They say life is what happens when you're waiting for life to happen. Whether it's a lonely girl on her first day of third grade at a new school or coming home from a vacation realizing you will never be able to see your brother again. It's amazing how normal days can end up being a pinpoint in your past. Something that you will look back on for the rest of your life and wish that you would have appreciated the moment for what it was. Maybe that is what makes the past so special. You have the choice to look back and remember the good times, the fabulous days, the great memories...even if they bring a tear (or several) to your eyes. I have lived a very blessed life, and although I may seem pessimistic at times and it takes a few cocktails to get me all sentimental , I do think of my life and realize how God has truly BLESSED my existance with the people in my life. The good Lord has given and the good Lord has taken away. As my father would say, that is LIFE. DEAL with it. Lucky for me, I have great attributes from both my mother and my father. I have my father's head stronged will, but I have my mother's sensitivity. My father's hot head and my mother's ability to love even when people are impossible to love and if you personally know my father and me, you have experienced the "impossible to love" part. Today is not Thanksgiving, it's just your regular Friday, although I have made it special by making it "Gin & Tonic Friday." Although I am the only participant as of yet, but I do have high hopes for people catching on to this great tradition. Today is not a day to be marked on the calendar, but today is a day that I wish to give thanks for all the blessings in my life. To acknowledge the people in life that bring me happiness each day, to realize how lucky I am. I often think of the quote "How lucky I am to have known someone that is so hard to say goodbye to." Unfortunately for me I have had to say goodbye to two very special people in my life. Two people that I don't often talk about, rarely mention and almost never show open emotion about. Kenneth James Kramer and John Gregory Knapp. Two little pieces of my heart that no longer exist in my every day world, but only exist in my memory. It's hard to explain the pain of not having them in my life and I know eventually it won't be as bad. I know this, because I lost Kenneth when I was only seventeen. It has been nearly seven years since he was killed by a drunk driver, and seven years ago I couldn't imagine ever going through a day without hurting. But it happened...and I did. Kenneth was my dear nephew, who died when he was only eleven. He would have been turning eighteen this month and I have wondered from time to time who he would be today. Would we be as close as Miranda and I are? It has been a true joy watching my niece, Miranda, grow up. Although she isn't my daughter, I couldn't be more proud of her and I know that she will be to my daughter what I was to her. I remember sitting at McDonalds with Miranda and Kyle, Kenneth's younger brother, not long after Kenneth's death. Just the three of us. I will never forget the look on their faces as they looked to me for answers. I was barely seventeen and I remember not knowing what to say to these two children, Miranda was ten years old and Kyle, only eight. Life I have always been able to deal with, no matter what shit comes my way I know that I can handle it. When it comes to my nieces and nephews I am like a momma bear protecting her cubs and when something happens that I have no control over or pain comes that I cannot prevent, it breaks my heart to watch my babies have to go through it. Little Kyle had asked me that day at McDonalds why people had kept asking him if he missed his brother, didn't people know that he missed him? He told me he didn't want to talk about it because it made his "eye's water." I know that there are a lot of people out there who don't think I am very maternal (me being one of them), but as soon as those words came out of his mouth I felt like a mother bear ready to attack. Ready to attack any situation that have brought my Kyle pain. I am not a mother so I do not know exactley the feeling that comes over, but I do know the feeling of complete and utter helplessness. Knowing that I was going to have to let my babies hurt because there was nothing I could do about it. I have been around Kyle since he was born, from having his diaper explode shit all over me to spending a day at his elementary school with him for "Lunch With A Loved One." My sweet Kyle has dealt with more pain than any child should ever had to deal with I have felt that helplessness way more than I would have liked too.