Holla at ya' Tater

2009-05-05T20:31:00.000-07:00

Toby cuddling with a blanket made by Grandma Knapp

2009-04-20T14:38:00.000-07:00

Thank you, Lord, for sending someone to protect me from the evils of the world and to give me unconditional love each and every day.

2009-04-18T13:00:00.001-07:00

Toby's going to be a good big brother one day.

2009-04-12T00:39:00.000-07:00

I wish I could write beautifully like my sister, Katie. Although I think my sister, Katie, has it all. She is the one person I look up to and vow to be like one day. She is the mother and wife that I hope I will be. I always knew Katie would be a great mother because she was such a good mother to me. When my parents were divorced twenty years ago Katie took on the job of raising John, Gregory, and me while our mom was in California. I haven't always been the greatest sister to Katie and for those times I feel completely ashamed. But even through those times Katie has been there to give me advice and love. Katie is the reason that I have found faith in belief in our Lord. During my darkest times I knew I could call Katie and tell her whatever I have done that I am hurting over and she would lift my spirits up and make me believe that I am and can be a better person. Katie is the closest sister I have in age to me although I feel like I am years younger. There are times in my life where I was angry because I wasn't skinny, smart, and beautiful like my sister, Katie was. We used to joke around when we were younger, quoting the movie "A League of Their Own." There was a father in the movie who said "This is my daughter 'Dottie,' and this is my other daughter 'Dottie's Sister." I would always tell Katie that's how it was with her and me. No matter how angry or resentful I felt growing up, I never stopped loving my sister. I have always and will always be the shorter, not as smart, chubby, funny girl with a great smile. That's not a hard thing in life to bear. What's great about me though, is I have a sister named Katie. Not a lot of people can say that. There have been rough times in my recent life. Times that involved alcoholism and loss. I almost lost the love of my life, Daniel, but Katie was there to make me believe that it would be okay on my own because, in fact, I was never alone, I had Jesus. Katie never challenged my judgment when Daniel and I got back together. The only question that was ever asked was, "Are you happy?" My sister has three beautiful girls; Sophia, age four, Jolie, age one and a half, and Tess, just born this past week. I pray to God that I am a good Aunt to these girls. I pray to God that Katie knows I would never put these girls in the face of danger. Although she has every right to worry. I pray that she knows I wouldn't do anything to hurt her girls. I remember being younger and hanging out with my sister. One night while visiting our mom in Anchorage we watched "Meet Me In St. Louie" and learned the dance Judie Garland did with her younger sister, Tootie. We promised each other that at our next school talent show that we would preform it. When I think of it now it was one of the happiest times of our life. Practicing an old dance between bowls of Tin Roof Sundae. We also did the same thing with the movie, "The War." I remember the first time we saw that movie Katie was crying so hard and I didn't quite understand. It was a sad movie and all but Katie was really upset. I remember it scaring me, I didn't want my older sister upset like that knowing there was nothing I could do.

2009-04-04T17:50:00.001-07:00

Toby

One Year

Things We Can Learn From A Dog

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.

Allow the experience of fresh air & the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.

Let others know when they've invaded your territory.

Take naps & stretch before rising.

Run, romp & play daily.

Eat with gusto & enthusiasm.

Be Loyal.

Never pretend to be something you're not.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent,sit close by & nuzzle them gently.

Thrive on attention & let people touch you.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On hot days, drink lots of water & lay under a shady tree.

When you're happy, dance around & wag your entire body.

No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing & pout.

Run right back & make friends.

Bond with your pack.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

" He is your friend, your partner,your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He willbe yours, faithful and true, to the last beatof his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy ofsuch devotion."

" To err is human, to forgive canine."

"Nobody can fully understand the meaning of love unless they've owned a dog. A dog can show you more honest affection with a flick of his tail than one can gather through a lifetime of handshakes."

"Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies,quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate."

"The bond with a true dog is as lasting as the ties of this earth will ever be."

"We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare.And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made."

"We long for an affection altogether ignorant of our faults. Heaven has accorded this to us in the uncritical canine attachment."

"My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am."

"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear. "

2008-10-24T14:41:00.000-07:00

Six Days Sober

And You said, "I know that this will hurt, but if I don't break your heart, things will just get worse. If the burden seems too much to bear, remember...The end will justify the pain it took to get us there."

2008-10-20T14:33:00.000-07:00

Day One ~ Hurting

I am back on the wagon. I lost the one I love. My addiction is to blame. Myself is to blame. I knew it was going to happen. Like all alcoholics I thought that I could handle my drinking. I knew it would happen again and it was my worst fear but that did not stop me. It happened and I lost him.

2008-10-12T14:49:00.001-07:00

Fire Chief Toby

"No one gets left behind!"

2008-07-03T10:36:00.000-07:00

The Loves Of My LifeGod, please help me be a good mother to Toby and girlfriend to Daniel. I don't want to disappoint either of them. They are my world. Please help me, Lord.

2008-06-03T11:19:00.000-07:00

Our New Son

Toby Knapp-Stephens

8 Weeks Old

2008-03-29T01:20:00.000-07:00

Envy?

I’m listening to Dan talk to his sister. I remember phone calls with my brother. It makes me think of how lucky he is to be able to have that conversation. That is what makes unexpected loss so hard to deal with. I never expected to lose a part of my daily life. A phone call with my brother was JUST that, a phone call. Nothing more, nothing less. Am I depressed? No. Am I sad? Suprisingly, no. I sat here for a little bit and thought I might be jealous, but that didn’t sound right. I am envious. Are they the same thing? The main thing I feel is "Well, that sucks." There’s nothing I can do about it, nothing I can change. I have lived without John for 22 months and I will continue to live without him for the rest of my life. I have come to terms with that. I am not angry anymore. I would say that I’m wistful. I will always wish that I were able to have him in my life forever. I will miss him at important events in my life. I will miss him at unimportant events in my life. I will miss him when Uncle Cracker comes on the radio while I’m in my car and whenever I hear the word "bungholio." The difference now is when I miss him I smile, no I smirk, as I think of him and his personality. There was a long time after John left that I couldn’t handle the grief and I turned to alcohol and drugs to numb my pain. It was easier to cry and rage while under the influence. I was able to let go of my "strength" that kept my pain inside when I was sober. The hardest part about being sober is feeling the pain. Feeling something that hurts so deep and realizing this is a pain that will only lessen with time and wanting that time to pass quickly but realizing when it does "Am I forgetting? Am I letting go?" which sent me into a different tailspin where I felt that I had to hold on to that pain in "honor" of my brother and if it didn’t hurt then I didn’t "care" anymore and it was "okay" that he died. The grieving part of me didn’t want to release that pain, no matter how much I despised feeling it, because when I did let go of the hurt then it would be "over," and no matter how much it destroyed me I did not want to set myself free. If I set myself free I would finally have to say goodbye to John. For reals this time. I couldn’t do it. I have since let go but typing those words still stop my heart and send me into an inner panic. There’s still that Tara from 2006 screaming inside me, "I don’t want to! What am I going to do without him? I need him and I want him RIGHT NOW! He was a best friend to me. Please don’t take that away. I’ll do anything. Why didn’t I answer his last phone call to me? Why was I so stubborn and sure I was doing the right thing? All tough love did was take the last chance I had to talk to him! Why was I such a bitch the night he got into the accident? I didn’t even answer Mom’s call because I was too busy getting our luggage from the airport. I told Patty I wasn’t going to visit him in the hospital this time because I was sick of him getting high and ending up in the hospital and expecting all of us to run to his side to nurture him and tell him it was all going to be okay." It brings me back to that night. Walking through the front door of my apartment. Calling Steve and saying in a monotone voice that John had gotten in a car accident and it’s pretty bad and Mom said he might not make it so I probably wasn’t going to make it out with Terry and him that night. I was a little worried but the "normal" part of me was saying it was nothing and God wouldn’t do that, he wouldn’t let us lose another family member in a stupid car wreck, it just doesn’t happen like that. Steve said to me "I’m really sorry, Tara, and it’s okay to cry if you need to and I’ll come over." My eyes filled with tears and I told him it was nothing and I would call him tomorrow. In that moment I knew that I might be losing that brother and in that moment Steve went from party friend/guy kind of dated to dear friend of mine and that is what he has been to me ever since. John’s death has opened my eyes to the real friendships in my life and the not so real friendships fell by the wayside. The people I would have never considered as life long friends have become those. My friend, Zack, who I had known less than a year at the time was standing in the back of the church at my brother’s service. He had met John once or twice, but was there to support me if I needed it. Drew filled in for John as big brother role. I have had so many blessings since John went up to be with the Big Guy. I finally have let him go and embrace the life in front of me. There are times when I look over my shoulder and a part of me wants run back and be with my brosef but during those times I see his goofy grin and I wave to him and say, "Watch this shit, it’s going to be GREAT."

2008-02-21T11:55:00.000-08:00

My Valentine, Daniel Stephens
2008

2008-01-17T14:26:00.000-08:00

This Is My Momma...And I Lovah Her...

2008-01-03T09:59:00.000-08:00

Just Because He Loves Me

(Is there a better feeling?)

P.S. Tomorrow I am 60 days sober. I guess there is a better feeling! :)

2007-12-20T10:30:00.000-08:00

~ Thanksgiving 2007 ~

2007-12-20T10:04:00.000-08:00

46 Days

Not really a "milestone" but a day to rejoice anyhow. God has given me an amazing strength these past 46 days, a strength I didn't know I was capable of. There have been difficult days, as to be expected, but the feeling of sobriety beats a night out drinking by a long shot. I have been able to truly connect with my loved ones instead of phoning them in the wee hours of the night searching for answers in my alcholic haze. My family and friends have been SO supportive, encouraging me every day. I have also lost 19 pounds in my quest towards a healthy lifestyle. I have been following the Weight Watchers plan and doing 30 minutes of cardio five days a week. I have never felt better and I am looking forward to the most special Christmas of my life.

2007-11-27T09:27:00.001-08:00

Please email me your addresses to tara929882@hotmail.com so I can get my Christmas cards out. Thank you!

2007-11-13T10:13:00.000-08:00

BRING BACK BILL!

Three days before tryouts, Roosevelt High School decided not to renew my brother-in-law, Bill's, contract. We all knew this day was coming but how they did it was extremely poor form. Bill was the head coach for 9 years and assistant coach for 4 years. To do that to him after all those years he dedicated his time (and money) was extremely insulting.

My sister talked with him yesterday and he is fine. As you can imagine, his phone is ringing off the hook. His goal is to work as a mentor for high risk youth but hasn't completely dismissed the idea of coaching.

Here's a link to an article in the Seattle Times: http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/highschoolsports/2004005443_resler10.html

2007-11-10T12:39:00.001-08:00

The First Craving

Last night was the first time I REALLY wanted a drink. It was Friday night, I was done with work for the week, I wasn't feeling up to anything and that was making me feel a little down. I felt a little lonely. I was wondering what to do with myself because usually on Friday night I'm HAVING that drink. It didn't last long because God gave me a heck of a migraine and then alcohol was the LAST thing on my mind. He's always there to give you a kick in the butt when you need it. :)

2007-11-08T09:50:00.000-08:00

These are some of the people I am giving up my addiction for...

*They are in no particular order.

My parents, Donna Mihm and Greg Knapp (unpictured). They have been my strength.

My best friend, Melinda Thoerner, of 18 years. Her ability to believe in me no matter how many times I fall.

My niece, Melina Thoerner. A child who I want to make a good example for.

My family (and part time co-workers) in Fairbanks: Harold, Josh, Jake, and Daniel. They have my back and are always there to help if I need to talk.

My little brother, Gregory, who is going through a difficult time as well and I'm hoping I can show him the strength I have to overcome an addiction to empower him as well.

My older sister, Katie Martin, who prayed with me and showed me the road to God in my darkest hours. My older sister, Patty Kramer (unpictured), who always told me things would get better even when I didn't think they would.

My niece, Miranda Johnson, so I can show her that life isn't about "partying." Even though it may seem like that while in high school.

My older brother, John Knapp, who is watching me from heaven and cheering me on.

My nephews, Kyle and Kobe Kramer, who have lost so much in their life that I cannot bear to live my life in a way they might lose me too.

My nieces, Jolie and Sophia Martin, who are so young and look at me with those adoring eyes. I would never want to be any kind of person that would make them look at me any different way.

The love of my life, Daniel Stephens, who has the amazing ability to love and forgive me. I want to show him that I can better myself.

Myself. I want to prove to myself that I can be a fun loving person without alcohol.

2007-11-07T17:41:00.000-08:00

The steps I have taken so far...

1. I admitted I am powerless over alcohol--that my life had become unmanageable.

2. I came to believe that a Power greater than myself could restore me to sanity.

3. I made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understood Him.

...And I have never felt better in my whole life.

2007-11-06T09:23:00.000-08:00

Finding Tara

I have been going through a really hard time lately. I have fallen into the clutches of the devil yet again. This time I'm coming back with a vengence. My sister, Katie, prayed with me over the phone Sunday and Monday for God to give me the strength to do what I need to do for myself. Yesterday I went to my first AA meeting. In the beginning we had a moment of prayer and I prayed "Dear Lord, I want you to take over my life now. I'm giving my life to you and I know that you will lead me in the right direction." I was asked to introduce myself since I was a newcomer and I nearly choked on the words "My name is Tara and I'm an alcoholic," but I got them out and a wave of peace waved over me after that. There were people that I hadn't ever met that were coming up to me and telling me how proud they were of me and giving me hugs. One lady bought me "The Big Book," which is pretty much the handbook for Alcoholics Anonymous. After the meeting Dan and I sat down and had a talk. I told him that I loved him and that I wanted to be with him but I needed to work on myself right now. I told him I didn't blame him if he didn't believe me this time or trust me. I told him I was moving out. There were lots of tears and we decided to slow things down. We have been sleeping in seperate rooms for two nights now. This is probably one of the most difficult times of my life. I woke with a sense of calm this morning, with a sense that everything is going to be okay. I still have a little fear in me that it won't work with Daniel, that he might not love me as much as I love him. Only time will tell and I know that I need to love myself more than I love him and to live my life God's way. I am going to another AA meeting this evening at 5:30 p.m. I would appreciate all the prayers I can get. I know it's going to be a long road and the devil is going to tempt me to sin. But I have God on my side, and now I KNOW it.

2007-11-03T23:43:00.000-07:00

Have you ever picked up the phone to call someone and realize there is no one you can talk to? Have you ever been hurt by the one you love but you don't want to talk to anyone about it because you don't them thinking less of the person you love?

Have you ever felt so alone that all you could do is write and wish for some kind of happiness to make everything better?It's funny how sometimes the saddest girl in the world can have a smile on her face almost all of the time. The girl that can always make you laugh is crying on the inside.I'm so sick of blaming things on myself. I feel that the people who know me know what to say to truly hurt me and the thing is I can't tell them that they're wrong.

I feel that the only time I really let things out and FEEL things is when I've had a few drinks. I know that it isn't the best thing to deal with things but I also know that they are never dealt with when I'm sober. I'm so afraid of losing a loved one that I put up with almost anything. I have started to ask myself lately "is it me?" or is it something else? It's easy for people to deal with my by just saying "Oh, she was drunk," and I start to wonder if that's an easy out for people who don't really love me.

2007-11-02T11:27:00.000-07:00

Little Brother

Dan was sick and wasn't able to be my "Dog" for Halloween this year. My little brother, Gregory, stepped in and saved the day.

Together we won Best Couple Costume as "Dog the Bounty Hunter" and "Beth Chapman" at Melinda's Halloween Party.

I hope everyone had a Happy Halloween 2007!

2007-11-02T11:25:00.000-07:00

There comes a time in your life when you finally get it ... When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out "ENOUGH!

You accept the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are... and that's OK... they are entitled to their own views and opinions.

And you begin to love and to care for yourself. You stop engaging in self-destructive behaviors, including participating in dysfunctional relationships.

Then you learn about love and relationships - how to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away.

And, at the same time, you eliminate any relationships that are hurtful or fail to uplift and edify you. You stop working so hard at smoothing things over and setting your needs aside.You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that eventually martyrs are burned at the stake. Then you learn to distinguish between guilt, and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to Say NO.

You learn that the only love worth giving and receiving is the love that is given freely without conditions or limitations.You learn that "alone" does not mean "lonely" and you begin to discover the joy of spending time "with yourself" and "on yourself." Then you discover the greatest and most fulfilling love you will ever know. Self Love.

Moving along, you begin to avoid Toxic people and conversations. And you stop wasting time and energy rehashing your situation with family and friends.You learn that talk doesn't change things and that unrequited wishes can only serve to keep you trapped in the past. So you stop lamenting over what could or should have been and you make a decision to leave the past behind.

You take a personal inventory of all your strengths and weaknesses and the areas you need to improve in order to move ahead, you set your goals and map out a plan of action to see things through.

You learn that life isn't always fair and you learn to accept that sometimes bad things happen to good people and that these things are not an act of God... but merely a random act of fate.And you stop looking for guarantees, because you've learned that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected and that whatever happens, you'll learn to deal with it.

And you learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time - FEAR itself. So you learn to step right into and through your fears, because to give into fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms.

You learn that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophesy and you learn to go after what you want and not to squander your life living under a cloud of indecision or feelings of impending doom.

And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting and to stay open to every wonderful opportunity and exciting possibility. Then you hang a wind chime outside your window to remind yourself what beauty there is in Simplicity.

2007-10-25T10:39:00.000-07:00

Oahu 2007

2007-10-10T08:57:00.001-07:00

We do it for YOU.

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless woman told me.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS !" replied the homeless woman. " I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you the money.Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight."

The homeless Woman was shocked. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

I said, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."

2007-10-02T09:54:00.000-07:00

I've come to realize that, my life:
Is in the hands of the Lord.

I've come to realize that I talk:
Without thinking at times.

I've come to realize that, I love:
The feeling of accomplishment and making myself proud.

I've come to realize that, I have:
More than I've ever wanted and all that I'll ever need.

I've come to realize that, I lost :
My brother and he's never coming back and it's okay for it to hurt.

I've come to realize that, I hate it when:
I HATE because it is a wasted emotion.

I've come to realize that, Marriage is:
Sacred and not something to be taken lightly.

I've come to realize that, Somewhere, someone is thinking:
They're all alone in this world...and they're not.

I've come to realize that, I'll always be:
Willing to better myself.

I've come to realize that, I have a crush on:
My new niece, Jolie Ruth Martin.

I've come to realize that, The last time I cried was:
Last Sunday when I let down Daniel and myself.

I've come to realize that, My cell phone is:
Not a very good alarm clock. It quit going off this morning.

I've come to realize that, When I wake up in the morning:
I really have to pee but I don't want to get out of my warm and cuddly bed.

I've come to realize that, Before I go to sleep at night I:
Always kiss Daniel and tell him I love him more than anything in the world.

I've come to realize that, Right now I am thinking about:
How good my life is and how happy I am.

I've come to realize that, Babies are:
A gift from God.

I've come to realize that, Today I:
Don't mind being at work so much.20.

I've come to realize that, Tonight I will:
Help the boys at Street Sounds and help myself at the gym.

I've come to realize that, Tomorrow I will:
Be one day closer to our trip to Hawaii!

I've come to realize that, I really want to:
Have children and get married.

I've come to realize that, my favorite thing at the moment:
Happiness.

I've come to realize that, the best moment of the day:
Is when I see Daniel after we're both done with work.

I've come to realize that, school:
Something I need to finish although I despise it.

I've come to realize that, ten years from now:
I will be reminiscing about who I was today.

I've come to realize that, the world:
Is not something one person can change.

I've come to realize that, I cant force:
People to believe in what I believe in.

I've come to realize that, best friends:
Are the ones that will always be there and I have found out who those people are.

I've come to realize that:
I am a child of God and that is the only way to live.

2007-09-24T10:45:00.000-07:00

After writing my last blog I looked online for a church in Fairbanks. I found a website for a church named Journey Christian Center. They have an online prayer request and I submitted the following prayer Request:

Prayer Request: I am new to Fairbanks. I have been struggling with drug and alcohol addiction. I plan to attend Journey Christian Center this Sunday for the first time. Please pray for my strength to go on my own and rebuild my relationship with the Lord.

I received the following reponse:

Tara,

I look forward to meeting you. I will pray that you begin a path of recovery from your addictions. It may be a long hard road but I think you'll find it's worth it to be free. Have a great day.

Derek Dickinson
Minister

2007-09-24T09:55:00.000-07:00

Every problem is an opportunity to trust God.

I have a problem. I have been on the wagon for a while now but I fell off this weekend. I was feeling really lonely and my self esteem has plummeted. I know there is no place to go but forward. I know there is nothing I can do but NOT do it again. The thing that bothers me the most is that I have let down Daniel. I have, once again, let down the person who I care about the most. I have told Daniel before that I was never going to drink again and every single time I have done it again. When I say it now he doesn't believe me and I don't blame him. I have proven that "talk is cheap" and now I don't know what to do. I don't want to say it again because I don't even believe myself anymore. I don't feel like a very good person right now. I want to find a good church and a local AA chapter in Fairbanks. I want to prove myself right. I want to show Daniel that I am a good person. I feel that the only one who believes in me is God and I honestly think he shouldn't believe in me either. I have proven too many times that I am not someone to believe in because all I do is let people down.

2007-09-20T09:13:00.000-07:00

Out Of The Mouth Of Babes

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"

MELANIE(age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six "

STEVEN(age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. "I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?"

SUSAN(age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"

JAMES(age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"

TAMMY(age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"

A Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... this particular Sunday sermon..."Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust..." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

2007-09-17T17:27:00.000-07:00

Breakfast at McDonald's

I am a mother of three (ages 14, 12, 3) and have recently completed my college degree. The last class I had to take was Sociology. The teacher was absolutely inspiring with the qualities that I wish every human being had been graced with. Her last project of the term was called, 'Smile.' The class was asked to go out and smile at three people and document their reactions. I am a very friendly person and always smile at everyone and say hello anyway. So, I thought this would be a piece of cake, literally.

Soon after we were assigned the project, my husband, youngest son, and I went out to McDonald's one crisp March morning. It was just our way of sharing special playtime with our son. We were standing in line, waiting to be served, when all of a sudden everyone around us began to back away, and then even my husband did. I did not move an inch. An overwhelming feeling of panic welled up inside of me as I turned to see why they had moved. As I turned around I smelled a horrible 'dirty body' smell and there standing behind me were two poor homeless men. As I looked down at the short gentleman, close to me, he was 'smiling'. His beautiful sky blue eyes were full of God's Light as he searched foracceptance. He said, 'Good day' as he counted the few coins he had been clutching. The second man fumbled with his hands as he stood behind his friend. I realized the second man was mentally challenged and the blue eyed gentleman was his salvation. I held my tears as I stood there with them. The young lady at the counter asked him what they wanted. He said, 'Coffee is all Miss' because that was all they could afford. (If they wanted to sit in the restaurant and warm up, they had to buy something. He just wanted to be warm). Then I really felt it - the compulsion was so great I almost reached out and embraced the little man with the blue eyes. That is when I noticed all eyes in the restaurant were set on me, judging my every action. I smiled and asked the young lady behind the counter to give me two more breakfast meals on a separate tray. I then walked around the corner to the table that the men had chosen as a resting spot. I put the tray on the table and laid my hand on the blue eyed gentleman's cold hand. He looked up at me, with tears in his eyes, and said 'Thank you.' I leaned over, began to pat his hand and said 'I did not do this for you. God is here working through me to give you hope.' I started to cry as I walked away to join my husband and son. When I sat down my husband smiled at me and said 'That is why God gave you to me, Honey, to give me hope.' We held hands for a moment and at that time, we knew that only because ofthe Grace that we had been given were we able to give. We are not church goers, but we are believers. That day showed me the pure Light of God's sweet love.

I returned to college, on the last evening of class, with this story in hand. I turned in 'my project' and the instructor read it. Then she looked up at me and said 'Can I share this?' I slowly nodded as she got the attention of the class. She began to read and that is when I knew that we as human beings and beingpart of God share this need to heal people and to be healed. In my own way I had touched the people at McDonald's, my son, instructor,and every soul that shared the classroom on the last night I spent as acollege student.

I graduated with one of the biggest lessons I would ever learn:

*UNCONDITIONAL ACCEPTANCE.*

*LOVE PEOPLE AND USE THINGS - NOT LOVE THINGS AND USE PEOPLE.

Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.

To handle yourself, use your head.

To handle others, use your heart.

God Gives every bird it's food, but He does not throw it into its nest.

2007-09-15T11:29:00.000-07:00

That's a sexy woman of God right there.

2007-09-14T09:54:00.001-07:00

Don’t Pee At The Cemetary

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home. The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. my wife came home with no panties!!" "That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her pants that said: "From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you."

2007-09-12T16:07:00.001-07:00

IS IT FRIDAY YET?

2007-09-12T09:28:00.000-07:00

"Good morning! This is God. I will be handling all of your problems today. I will not need your help. So, relax and have a great day!"

After my brother passed my dad allowed us to go into his room and pick out things to remember him by. I found the above saying on a plaque hanging by his bed. It was so uplifting and I wanted to share with John that same encouragement he felt every morning when he read it. I came across it when I was unpacking boxes last night and I brought it to work this morning for my daily reminder and dose of encouragement.

2007-09-11T09:59:00.000-07:00

Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

I woke up this morning with a renewed sense of self. I went to bed early and got a good nights sleep and I am ready to tackle my work day. When I checked my email this morning the above Bible verse was the verse of the day sent to me. It was almost as if God emailed me himself. Thank you Auntibeck and Realityjunkie for praying for me. Your prayers were heard.

2007-09-10T17:54:00.000-07:00

If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it...

I have been having a little bit of a rough time at work. I am working for a very big association and I'm afraid I'm having trouble fitting in, something I have never had trouble with before. My supervisor has asked me if I was always this quiet. I have also never been accused of being quiet. Upon hearing this I seemed to withdraw more than I was before. I have landed an excellent job and I am afraid to lose it. I think this is where my fear is coming from. Please pray for me.

2007-09-07T09:10:00.000-07:00

One Year

2006

2007

My life has changed in the year I met you. I have become a better person because of you. You have taught me to be more paitent, to take care of myself, and to love more than I thought capable. I can't imagine a life without you and I hope I never have to. I love you.

2007-09-05T10:31:00.001-07:00

I Have You

When I feel all alone I remember that I have You by my side and that is the cure for all lonliness.

When I feel so much pain I remember that You felt the ultimate pain for everyone.

When I feel I have no purpose I remember that You are my purpose.

When I am crying myself to sleep I know that You are beside me drying my tears.

The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cry and saves them.

2007-08-24T11:34:00.000-07:00

I’ll See You In My Dreams

I dreamt about you the other night. You told me that I was a great sister and that you loved me. It was nice to see your smile again. You were a great brother and I love you too.

2007-08-23T10:06:00.001-07:00

Luxurious Benefits

I have been at my job for almost two weeks now. I'm completely in love with it. My business hires a professional massuse to come in every Wednesday and we can get fifteen or thirty minute massages for $10 or $20 during work hours. I signed up for my first massage next Wednesday and I cannot freakin' wait.

On another note, our Hawaii tickets have been bought! Dan and I are officially going to Hawaii with Melinda, Fred, Melina, and Lennon for ten glorious days in October. Can life get any better?!

Eight working days left at the Malemute Saloon and then my season of cocktailing is over! It was fun but I doubt I'll ever do it again.

2007-08-11T14:16:00.001-07:00

Summer Fun 2007

Melinda & Fred get married!

Melinda's mother, Kim, walked her down the aisle.

Best Man, Connor, and Maid of Honor, Tara.

Ring Bearer, Kobe, and Flower Girl, Sophia.

Introducing the Best Man and Maid of Honor at the reception.

Best friends for over 17 years.

Giving a "tear-jerker" speech.

Getting down on the dance floor!

Kyle, Kobe, and Patty visit me in Fairbanks!

Kobe got to meet Santa at the real North Pole!

Dan and I floated the Gulkana!

My one and only King catch!

One of Dan's MANY King catches!

Happy 4th of July!

Lara came to visit me in Fairbanks!

Laughter.

Jet Skiing at the gravel pits!

Getting ready for tubing!

Love.

Melinda turns 26!

Happy Birthday, Tara!

My Birthday paddle!

A few of my favorites at Tarapalooza Masquerade!

Group shot!

Tara's Fairbanks Birthday party!

2007-08-11T14:07:00.002-07:00

New Job

Yesterday I was hired on at Golden Valley Electric Association as a Member Service Representative II. I start Monday, August 13, 2007 and I cannot wait. My starting wage is $16.06 an hour and there benefit program is excellent. I have full medical that is 100% covered, I get 23 3/4 paid days off a year on top of my paid vacation, there is a 401K AND a profit sharing program, not to mention TONS of room for advancement. This is seriously my dream job and the past five years of working my butt off has finally paid off. Woohoo.

2007-06-09T01:31:00.000-07:00

A trip down Dimond Blvd. June 4, 2007

Today marks 30 days at my new job in Fairbanks and 35 days since my move to Fairbanks. My payrate was increased to $16.00 an hour today and I only have one more month until I'm at my $18.00 an hour rate that I left in Anchorage. I have been working as a cocktail waitress at the Malemute Saloon in Ester which is a town about ten miles from Fairbanks. The tourist season opened May 25 and I have been cocktailing four days a week ever since. I absolutely LOVE this job. I only work 2-3 hours a night and take home anywhere from $25-$65 in tips on top of my $10.00 an hour wage. I don't regret my decision to move to Fairbanks at all. I have made a very good friend here: Ms. Charlottee Treakle. We met while I was working at the beer shack at the Salmon Bake before the Malemute opened. I can't explain how great it is to have a female friendship when you're in a town where you know no one except for your boyfriend and his friends.

My sister, Patty, and my nephews, Kyle and Kobe, came to visit this weekend. It really made me realize how much I miss Anchorage and all my friends and family. I have felt a little meloncholy this morning while reminscing all the things I took for granted during my every day life in Anchorage.

For example:

1.) Going to The Perfect Cup for chicken salad sandwiches with Melinda and Stinky Butt.

2.) BBQ chicken pizza and raspberry wheet bear from The Moose's Tooth.

3.) Playing "DRINK" with Cari, Drew, and Jeremiah.

4.) ALL of the various apartments I lived in across Dimond Blvd.

5.) Thirsty Thursday with Kristina.

6.) Gin and tonics with Terry.

7.) Making fun of Courtney's boyfriend, Sean, by saying he LOVES the cock.

8.) Home cooked meals at Momma Knapp's and Momma Rahoi's.

9.) Hanging in the garage with Momma Tirapelli.

10.) Weekends at Patty's house.

2007-06-09T01:26:00.000-07:00

One Year May 20, 2007

How I wish. How I wish you were here. I haven't deleted your number out of my cell phone. It brings me a little comfort to see it in there and to know that I once called you from my phone and that you once called me. All in all I think I'm dealing with your absence somewhat fine. I still miss you like hell and there's so much I want to share with you. That is the hardest part. Wanting to call you and tell you something and then remembering that I can only talk to you in my prayers. I really want to introduce you to Dan. I really want you to tell me how cool he is and how I picked a good one this time. I miss you.

2007-06-09T01:24:00.000-07:00

An Anchorage Tater In Fairbanks May 14, 2007

I have been living in Fairbanks for twelve days now and I fucking love it! I started working as a bookkeeper last Tuesday at Alaska Best Plumbing and Heating. I started working as a bartender/cocktail waitress yesterday for Alaska Salmon Bake. Right now I'm in the beer shack at Pioneer Park (Alaska Land) until the Malemute Saloon opens up next week. I worked four and half hours yesterday and make $40.00 in tips. I was quite proud. Momma's bringing in the money. For all of you wondering about Tarapalooza, I am planning to STILL have it in Anchorage this year. Melinda is looking for a hall to rent out for the party so if you have any ideas, please send them to her. Also, I will need everyone to message me their addresses AGAIN because my addresses were on my old work computer that I no longer have access to. Tarapalooza will be held on Saturday, July 28 of this year. I will be sending out invites approximately a month in advance. This year I will be including a t-shirt order form that you will need to send back with money if you would like a shirt.

2007-06-09T01:20:00.000-07:00

Saying Goodbye May 1, 2007

I have often wondered why saying good bye is the hardest thing to do. It dawned on me today that too often we are saying good bye to someone that we don't want to say good bye to. There's nothing you can do when you are forced to say good bye. You know that the pain will eventually fade and it won't always hurt as much as it did today. You yearn for the days when it will be better and then you wonder if you will actually get over this person or have you just learned to live with the fact and you are now numb to the pain? More often than not I find myself blaming God for this pain, and if God with all his mighty power cannot bring this person back to me, is he worth believing in? Why would God have me meet this person and grow to love this person if they were to be eventually taken away? Why love at all if all you feel is hurt when it's over? There is supposed to be some "lesson" in all this pain, but all I feel is pain and I have no idea what lesson could possibly come of this.

2007-04-13T19:13:00.000-07:00

Why I Love Being A Knapp

Personality

True Love

We Will Always Be Seven

Memories

The love of Mother & Son

Hugs

Happiness

New Beginnings

Really Really Ridiculously Good Looking

2007-03-21T19:22:00.000-07:00

For Kenneth & John

I thought of you with love today,
But that is nothing new.
I thought about you yesterday,
And days before that too.
I think of you in silence,
I often speak your name.
Now all I have is memories,
And a picture in a frame.
Your memory is my keepsake,
With which I'll never part.
God has you in his keeping,
I have you in my heart.

2007-03-21T19:12:00.001-07:00

Thoughts

They say life is what happens when you're waiting for life to happen. Whether it's a lonely girl on her first day of third grade at a new school or coming home from a vacation realizing you will never be able to see your brother again. It's amazing how normal days can end up being a pinpoint in your past. Something that you will look back on for the rest of your life and wish that you would have appreciated the moment for what it was. Maybe that is what makes the past so special. You have the choice to look back and remember the good times, the fabulous days, the great memories...even if they bring a tear (or several) to your eyes. I have lived a very blessed life, and although I may seem pessimistic at times and it takes a few cocktails to get me all sentimental , I do think of my life and realize how God has truly BLESSED my existance with the people in my life. The good Lord has given and the good Lord has taken away. As my father would say, that is LIFE. DEAL with it. Lucky for me, I have great attributes from both my mother and my father. I have my father's head stronged will, but I have my mother's sensitivity. My father's hot head and my mother's ability to love even when people are impossible to love and if you personally know my father and me, you have experienced the "impossible to love" part. Today is not Thanksgiving, it's just your regular Friday, although I have made it special by making it "Gin & Tonic Friday." Although I am the only participant as of yet, but I do have high hopes for people catching on to this great tradition. Today is not a day to be marked on the calendar, but today is a day that I wish to give thanks for all the blessings in my life. To acknowledge the people in life that bring me happiness each day, to realize how lucky I am. I often think of the quote "How lucky I am to have known someone that is so hard to say goodbye to." Unfortunately for me I have had to say goodbye to two very special people in my life. Two people that I don't often talk about, rarely mention and almost never show open emotion about. Kenneth James Kramer and John Gregory Knapp. Two little pieces of my heart that no longer exist in my every day world, but only exist in my memory. It's hard to explain the pain of not having them in my life and I know eventually it won't be as bad. I know this, because I lost Kenneth when I was only seventeen. It has been nearly seven years since he was killed by a drunk driver, and seven years ago I couldn't imagine ever going through a day without hurting. But it happened...and I did. Kenneth was my dear nephew, who died when he was only eleven. He would have been turning eighteen this month and I have wondered from time to time who he would be today. Would we be as close as Miranda and I are? It has been a true joy watching my niece, Miranda, grow up. Although she isn't my daughter, I couldn't be more proud of her and I know that she will be to my daughter what I was to her. I remember sitting at McDonalds with Miranda and Kyle, Kenneth's younger brother, not long after Kenneth's death. Just the three of us. I will never forget the look on their faces as they looked to me for answers. I was barely seventeen and I remember not knowing what to say to these two children, Miranda was ten years old and Kyle, only eight. Life I have always been able to deal with, no matter what shit comes my way I know that I can handle it. When it comes to my nieces and nephews I am like a momma bear protecting her cubs and when something happens that I have no control over or pain comes that I cannot prevent, it breaks my heart to watch my babies have to go through it. Little Kyle had asked me that day at McDonalds why people had kept asking him if he missed his brother, didn't people know that he missed him? He told me he didn't want to talk about it because it made his "eye's water." I know that there are a lot of people out there who don't think I am very maternal (me being one of them), but as soon as those words came out of his mouth I felt like a mother bear ready to attack. Ready to attack any situation that have brought my Kyle pain. I am not a mother so I do not know exactley the feeling that comes over, but I do know the feeling of complete and utter helplessness. Knowing that I was going to have to let my babies hurt because there was nothing I could do about it. I have been around Kyle since he was born, from having his diaper explode shit all over me to spending a day at his elementary school with him for "Lunch With A Loved One." My sweet Kyle has dealt with more pain than any child should ever had to deal with I have felt that helplessness way more than I would have liked too.

2007-03-21T19:07:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday Kenneth.

Eighteen years ago today was a very special day in my life. I had become an aunt to my first nephew, Kenneth James Kramer. I was an aunt at age six, who would have known that eighteen years later I would be an aunt to six nephews, three nieces, and awaiting my tenth niece or nephew to be born this October. One of the greatest joys in my life has been watching my nieces and nephews grow up, watching them grow from chubby baby to wild child to the terrifying teenage years. I have been babysitter, friend, confidante, and part-time mother/father figure for the past eighteen years. God bless the hearts of my siblings for being FULL-TIME mothers and fathers because I can honestly say "I don't know HOW you do it." I enjoy being the fun Auntie Tara that gets to give the babies back when they poop their pants, give the wild children back during temper tantrums, and give the teenagers back when there is a freak-out from a cell phone being taken away. I don't mind waiting for a couple more years on having children, that way the nephews and nieces that I helped raise can be MY part time mother/father figures to my own children. What it comes down to is I LOVE every single one of my nieces and nephews and if I had it my way I would hold them and kiss them and prevent them from growing up. I cherish the little voices in my mind of them saying "Auntie Tara" and I anxiously await to hear it from my little two year old niece, Sophia.

One of the great tragedies in my life was not being able to see Kenneth grow up. His eighteenth Birthday brings a little more pain than the last six have. Today he would have stepped into adulthood and I would give anything to be able to celebrate with him. Kenneth was killed seven years ago in an alcohol related crash. It's hard not to feel cheated at times, cheated out of time spent with him, cheated out of laughs, life and love. Today is not a day to mourn Kenneth, but to remember him. Remember his goofy grin, freckled face and the sound of his voice saying "Bite your fat keeks!" when he was a baby. Today is a day to honor him and to thank God for bringing him into my life for those eleven years. To cherish the memories that will bring a smile to my face for the rest of my life. To take comfort in knowing that he is in God's hands and knowing what a remarkable young man he would be today. Today I raise my glass of champagne and I toast Kenneth. I toast him for the love and light he brought into my life, for the smiles on my face and the laughter in my heart. And I thank God for letting me experience the kind of love that only a nephew can bring me.

Rest in peace dear, sweet Kenneth. Keep the angels laughing and give Uncle John a big hug and kiss for me. The world misses your laughter, but I know I'll hear it again soon...if only in my dreams for now.

Kenneth James Kramer given to us March 20, 1989 and returned home July 12, 2000.

2007-02-16T09:38:00.000-08:00

To realize
The value of a sister,
Ask someoneWho doesn't have one.

To realizeThe value of ten years,
Ask a newlyDivorced couple.

To realize
The value of four years,
Ask a graduate.

To realizeThe value of one year,
Ask a student who
Has failed a final exam.

To realize
The value of nine months,
Ask a mother who gave birth to a stillborn.

To realizeThe value of one month,
Ask a motherwho has given birth to
A premature baby.

To realize
The value of one week,
Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.

To realizeThe value of one minute,
Ask a person
Who has missed the train, bus or plane.

To realize
The value of one-second,
Ask a person
Who has survived an accident.

Time waits for no one
Treasure every moment you have.
You will treasure it even more when
you can share it with someone special

To realize the value of a friend or family member:
LOSE ONE.

2007-02-14T17:17:00.000-08:00

Greatest News Ever

As most of you know, I am planning on making my big move to Fairbanks. Today I found out some very great news. My boss is willing to open an office in Fairbanks so I do not have to quit my job. Now I will be able to live with the love of my life and keep the job I love. I cannot think how life can be any greater.

2007-02-12T10:52:00.000-08:00

A Woman's Poem

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked the shit out of him...
Just like his mother used to do

2007-02-12T10:06:00.000-08:00

My heart is in Fairbanks.

"When you meet someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."

For me, May cannot come fast enough. But then again, the weekend after next cannot come fast enough. Spring break cannot come fast enough. I want to relish this time. The "honeymoon phase" as my sister, Sherry, called it today. How slow the hours go by that I'm waiting to see my love. Some of you think I'm crazy for deciding to move to Fairbanks. Leave my home of eighteen years, leave my job of four years, and go off into the unknown. The "crap hole of Alaska" as Erica so beautifully put it. :) It may be a crap hole and it may be cold as all hell. It may be HELL for all that matters, but you know what? There's someone there who I would walk through fire for, and that's all that matters. There are no guarantees in life, all I have is the time that is given and the people in my life who bring me happiness. How lucky I am to have found someone who loves me like Daniel does. How lucky I am to be able to go after my heart.

2007-02-12T10:05:00.000-08:00

HOW TO STAY YOUNG ...

1. Throw out non-essential numbers.This includes age, weight, and height.Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay them.

2. Keep only cheerful friends.The grouches pull you down.(Keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches!)

3. Keep learning:Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever.Never let the brain get idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop."And the devil's name is Alzheimer's!

4. Enjoy the simple things

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and lots of time with her/him!

6. The tears happen:Endure, grieve, and move on.The only person who is with us our entire life, is our self.LIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love:Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health:If it is good, preserve it.If it is unstable, improve it.If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips.Take a trip to the mall, even to a foreign country, but NOT to where theguilt is.

10. Tell the people you love, that you love them - at every opportunity.

2007-02-12T10:01:00.002-08:00

Just A Prayer

Heavenly Father, Help us remember
That the jerk who cut us off in traffic
Last night is a single mother who
Worked nine hours that day and
Is rushing home to cook dinner,
Help with homework,
Do the laundry and spend a
Few precious moments
With her children.

Help us to remember that the
Pierced, tattooed, disinterested
Young man who can't make
Change correctly is a worried
19-year-old college student,
Balancing his apprehension
Over final exams with his
Fear of not getting his
Student loans for next semester.

Remind us, Lord,
That the scary looking bum,
Begging for money in the same
spot every day
(who really ought to get a job!)
is a slave to addictions
That we can only imagine in our
Worst nightmares.

Help us to remember that the
Old couple walking annoyingly
Slow through the store aisles
And blocking our shopping
Progress are savoring this
Moment, knowing that,
Based on the biopsy report
She got back last week, this
Will be the last year that they
Go shopping together.

Heavenly Father,
Remind us each day that,
Of all the gifts you give us,
The greatest gift is love.
It is not enough to share
That love with those
We hold dear.
Open our hearts not to
Just those who are
Close to us,
But to all humanity.
Let us be slow to judge
And quick to forgive,
Show patience,
Empathy and Love.

2007-02-12T10:01:00.001-08:00

Lets all raise our glasses.

Every Past Mistake
Every Single Regret
The Heartbreak
The Tears
The Words of Anger
The Screaming Silences
The Time Wasted
The Lessons Learned...more than once
The Hurt
The Fake Laughter
The Empty Feelings
The Confusion brought on by mere Misunderstanding
The Deception
The Lost Trust
The Broken Soul
The Unstable Friendships
The Past...
Here's To Letting it All Go. Because the only way to go is forward...

2007-01-30T16:26:00.000-08:00

Dear God,

I want to pray for the accounts payable lady who I just spoke to on the phone. You know the one I'm talking about, the one who was very rude and mean to me. I have learned that people who are angry like that must have anger in their heart as well. I know she was not lashing out at me personally, I was just at the receiving end of her frustration at anger. Please God, help her find peace.

Love, Tara

2007-01-30T09:51:00.002-08:00

I'm not too sure who all read my blog yesterday with my request for prayers, for all of you that did, THANK YOU! My prayers were answered. I have never seen the work of God so strong and it made me MORE of a believer. Daniel and I have been talking for a while now about me moving to Fairbanks. We have recently decided that after spring semester at UAA I will be headed there for good. I have been taking baby steps because I am TERRIFIED about moving there. I made an appointment with my UAA advisor to discuss transfering my credits to UAF. I have been looking through the Fairbanks classifides daily to check out the job market. All day yesterday I was feeling scared and anxious about the whole move. So I wrote a blog asking people to pray for me, to ask God to show me the right answer. The main reason I was feeling scared was because this is a big step, I'm not sure if things will work out between Dan and me. I will be leaving a good job, selling off my furniture, and basically heading to Fairbanks with the clothes on my back, love in my heart, and the hope of finding another good job. This morning I woke up at peace with my decision. I had text messaged my friend, Cari, last night asking if she needed any furniture because I was going to be leaving and she just bought a new house in Palmer. She texted me back this morning and said she could definitely use some. We came up with the plan that I wasn't going to charge her for it, but if things don't work out and I end up moving back home I will be able to take my furniture back. Being the great friend she is, she also offered up room in her crawl space for my other valuables that I won't be taking with me. I know this was all a part of God's plan. Now I feel great about moving there and I know everything will work out the way it's supposed to.

2007-01-29T09:56:00.000-08:00

"Do you have a case of the Mondays?"

Another Monday and here I am at work. I was here at 7:30 a.m. this morning in preparation for the hours I will miss due to my three days classes during the week at UAA. How great it is that I have a boss that lets me take time off work to go to college. My job is the one thing keeping me in Anchorage, and I'm sad to say that it isn't reason enough anymore. Daniel and I have been talking about me moving to Fairbanks. It's the more practical thing to do. Daniel is in the process of owning his own business, so there is now way he can move for the next couple of years. We have decided it would be easiest for me to move. I meet with my UAA advisor today to see what I need to do to transfer to UAF. I plan on taking summer classes, so if I can transfer there in time for that, I'll be moving in May. If not, I will be moving in August after classes have ended. I am terrified. Daniel is the love of my life and I want to be with him. I'm just scared of not finding a good job. I'm scared of it not working out with Daniel and me. I have never done anything like this in my life, I have always been very stable and put work before anything else. My best friend, Ashley, asked me what I would say if he asked me to marry him tomorrow. I said without a doubt in my mind, yes. Then she said I should move to Fairbanks. I am looking to God for the answer, please help me pray so I can make the right decision.

2007-01-24T09:34:00.002-08:00

"My father said being an artist was the shortest road to the poorhouse, claiming "real" work is something you don't like. I ignored him through oppositional behavior, later reasoning that only an idot sets out to find the poorhouse, not to mention devote himself to something he doesn't love. Instead, I discovered an interesting back road to the unknown, and deliberately without a safety net."
~Russel Chatham~painter, lithographer, author, publisher, and restaurateur.

This reminds me of my own father, although not in a negative way. I know that my father wanted us to seek out an education towards a job that would always provide for us. I admire people like Mr. Chatham who are able to make a great living doing what they love. I would love to be a freelance writer and be successful at it, but instead I'm majoring in accounting because it pays well and I'm good at it. Although, I am really thinking of pursuing an associates or even minoring in journalism, because writing is what I love.

2007-01-23T09:56:00.000-08:00

Ten days (counting today) until I see my love. Every time I think of him I thank God for allowing us to meet. I know that every relationship I had ended because I was supposed to be with Daniel. I didn't know it was possible to love someone this much. He is everything I've always wanted and everything I'll ever need.

2007-01-22T16:58:00.000-08:00

I love this picture of Daniel and me. He recently cut off all his gorgeous curls, so now his hair is really short. I love his smile in this picture and I try hard to remember what it was that was making him laugh so hard. That is the great thing between the two of us, there is always laughter. Eleven more days until I get to see him again! How lucky we were to meet in Valdez!

2007-01-19T09:32:00.000-08:00

Great friends, loud laughs, and beer. I believe they make the world go round. Tonight I have plans with my dear friends, Cari and Drew. We are the last ones remaining from "the old group." There used to be a bunch of us who would get together at John's apartment to hang out. We keep that memory alive. Drew has became an older brother to me. I am so excited to see them tonight!

2007-01-11T13:34:00.000-08:00

It has been a long time since I posted a blog! It seems I am on here once a week checking out my sister, Katie's, blog! Just thought I would write one for my own. Every since Katie met Isaac I hoped and prayed that I would meet a guy as great as him. I know how happy he makes her. Strangely enough, I met that guy WHILE visiting Katie and Isaac in Valdez. I had driven to Valdez for the Labor Day weekend of 2006. My good friend, Steve, was also in Valdez with a bunch of his buddies going fishing. One of the nights I spent at their campground and that is where I met Daniel Lamar Stephens. We have been dating for a little over four months now and I am completely in love with him. He lives in Fairbanks but we travel back and forth as much as we can. In fact, I'm flying there tomorrow after work! It has been almost two weeks since we've seen each other and I am so excited!!

2006-09-23T10:32:00.000-07:00

An Email That Touched My Heart...

Hi, my name is Luke Leavitt. I am Michael Johnson's cousin and a friend of your late brother, John. I first met your brother when I moved from Talkeetna and started attending Palmer High. He was the first person I met at try-outs for palmers baseball team. John was one of the few people who actually knew who I was and who I respected. The last time I saw John I had hit a huge wall and was falling quickly into the depths of heroine's hell and John somehow found this out. One day my phone rang and it was him inviting me out to lunch which was a great surprise to me for I knew the life that he'd left and the new one he was living and had avoided him amongst other people for the shear fact that I didn't want to be a stumbling block, you know? Well anyway I accepted his invitation and met with him. He told me of his knew found joy in Christ and the love he swore he'd lost, how happy he was and how he let me know that it was there for all.I dunno what happened but through our talk that day he'd encouraged me to enter a rehab faucility which I did in the hopes that I may start into a state of recovery and find the life and love I'd lost. That was the last time I saw him smiling, cheering, hoping, praying FOR ME. When I got out of rehab I had the great hope of telling John how much his words had meant to me and to thank him for being the angel I felt that he was (and IS) to me.When our friend, Travis, told me what had happened...well I felt many thing's I'd rather not say now, but the memory that John has left in my heart is one that shall be reveard until my time comes to meet Him and Our Father in Heaven, and now TARA YOU might now a little bit about who, I am just a remembering friend who misses your brother.

2006-09-15T17:18:00.000-07:00

A Trip Down Memory Lane & A Glimpse To The Future

DLM was on the radio this morning. It was really awesome hearing Mumbo Jumbo while I was on my way to work. Daniel was interviewed by KWHL after that but I missed that part.

It got me thinking today about how much things have changed. How much I have changed. It has been seven months since Daniel and I broke up, but only a little over a month since I stopped talking to him completely. I can understand the dislike my friends have for him but I find it really hard not to send him an email saying "Congratulations" for how far DLM is going, even if they are still just in Anchorage. I don't blame Daniel for doing what he did, I don't agree with it and it really hurt, but it would have turned his whole life upside down and the consequences would have been severe. That is why I took the situation on alone. I find myself wondering what he was doing when I was in the hospital, fighting for two lives. I wonder where he was when I found out that one wasn't going to make it. I wonder what he was thinking when I had to make the decision to save myself. Did it ever cross his mind when I was grieving the loss of something that was only wanted by me? More importantly, why do I care? Why do I feel the need to reach out and forgive him? To let him know it's okay, when it never affected his life anyhow?

"But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you." Luke 6:27-28

That is what the Lord has given me, the ability to love those who have hurt me and hope that their life is blessed no matter how they treated me.

Loss has been a huge part of this journey I have been on. But it has also taught me what is precious in life. It has taught me that I can keep going long after I think I cannot. It has taught me not to let "the fear of striking out keep me from playing the game." There is always the fear in the back of my mind, when I feel like taking myself out of the game because I don't want to risk going through that pain again. But I remind myself that risk, pain, and tears are LIFE. I can choose to live it or I can choose to hide. I choose to live whether there's a storm on the horizon or it's a beautiful blue sky without a cloud insight...but I won't settle for anything less than spectacular.

2006-08-12T10:19:00.000-07:00

I apologize if I have been distant to some of you lately. I found out on Tuesday that Zack and I were pregnant. The excitement was overbearing. I was so happy to be bringing life into this world. I felt in my heart that the good lord gives and takes away. I may have lost my brother in May, but I was being given the most precious gift...life.

On Friday morning I awoke to really bad cramps in my left side and down my leg, I was also bleeding really heavy. I went to the hospital immediately. After blood tests, internal ultra sounds, and the normal ultra sounds I was informed that I was having an ectopic pregnancy. The fertilized egg was implanted outside of the uterus and settled into my fallopian tube. There was no way to save the baby. It was either go to surgery and lose a fallopian tube, take a shot to poison the baby so it would die and be released, or leave the baby in there and burst my organ and I would die as well from internal bleeding.

Although it was too early in the pregnancy to know the sex of the baby, Zack and I knew it was going to be a girl. So, please keep Bianca Barrickman in your prayers as she makes her way up to heaven, where she will be greeted by my brother, John, and my nephew, Kenneth.

I want to thank my mom, Katie, Patty, Carol, Herb, Kristina, Keli, Kim, Ashley, Jacqueline, Nicole and especially Zack for being there during this time. For supporting my choice to keep the baby and for comforting my hurting heart when I lost her.

2006-06-07T09:52:00.000-07:00

We love because he first loved us.
1 John 4:19

What a man desires is unfailing love.
Proverbs 19:22a

Who is a God like you, who pardons sin and forgives the transgression of the remnant of his inheritance? You do not stay angry forever but delight to show mercy.
Micah 7:18

Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back.
Luke 6:30

I can do everything through Him who gives me strength.
Philippians 4:13

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.
1 Peter 4:8

"The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of our God stands forever."
Isaiah 40:8

2006-06-06T17:00:00.000-07:00

When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?
Psalm 56:3-4

I have begun my journey with God. There are people who have touched my heart and my soul and really helped me. First and foremost, my sister, Katie. She has been there to answer questions that I have and tell me it's okay AND normal to be scared. Realityjunkie and Auntibeck's words of encourgement through commenting on my comments to Katie have really helped out too, I often go back and re-read them. I am so excited about this new life I have with God. I am so excited to begin it, live it, and end it eternally with Him.

2006-06-06T10:20:00.000-07:00

Things I Do Not Like

1.) Making "Maintenance Agreement Quote" Calls

I cannot stand sales. I do not want to be a sales person. I figure if someone wants to buy something, THEY WILL CONTACT YOU. That is what I am doing today because I am all caught up on my work. Calling various customers of ours and saying "I was going through our system and I saw that your machine is not under a maintenance agreeent. Judging from your past service calls I think a maintenance agreement would be great for your machine. That way you would not have to pay for labor, parts, or supplies for each call." BARF!

2.) Brushing My Wet Hair

My hair is thick and tangley and it freakin' hurts to brush. I realize that I need leave in conditioner, but do I ever purchase it? No, because I forget and I never make shopping lists. So I rarely brush my hair.

3.) People Saying "Sex & The City" Is Stupid

Yes, everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but if it's negative and putting down something that someone enjoys, what's the point? You don't like it? DON'T FREAKIN' WATCH IT THEN!!!

4.) Complaining About Something That You Won't Change

If you're not going to do something about it, shut the heck up. If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change the way you freakin' think about it.

2006-06-05T17:14:00.000-07:00

Can You "Seldom" Someone In Heaven?

I was lucky enough to be the younger sister of John Gregory Knapp. By lucky I mean:

1.) Getting farted on.
2.) Getting tackled at random moments.
3.) Listening as he told my new boyfriend that I was born with poop on my head.
4.) Being anywhere near is vinegar feet.
5.) Seeing him walk around in my apartment in his long underwear that had holes all over the place and weren't really serving the purpose since he complained that it was "drafty".
6.) Being the victim of the horrifying "SELDOM!!!"

This ultimate insult started with my brother-in-law, Daryl Kramer, who thought it was funny to run finger under our noses and saying "seldom" The four younger Knapp children carried on this tradition all throughout our lives and even passed it on to nieces and nephews. Some of us have even carried the tradition on to our significant others.

Ahem, Katie and Isacc. What is the word Isaac used when he tried to seldom you, Katie?

So, when you are seldomed, it is your duty to get that person back. It might not be the same day, week, or even month. It might be six months down the road at Thanksgiving dinner. You sneak up on them while they're eating and sneak in with a seldom attack.

I was still waiting on my sneak attack on John. I was waiting for the perfect moment, like at mom's house during dinner with his new girlfriend. I will have to wait until I meet up with him in Heaven. John will be reaching out to hug me and I'll do a fake hug move and get him under his nose. "SELDOM!!!"

2006-06-05T17:01:00.000-07:00

You're In Charge Now

I gave my life to God last night. It was rather unconventional how I did it, but honestly, would you expect any less from me? I was laying in bed last night and I just had a little conversation with God. I told him I was giving him my life. Then I ended it with singing the words to "Jesus Take The Wheel" in my head. Yes, I know that song word for word. It just felt right. My baptism is to follow. So do I get cake and presents and do I get to choose my own God Parents?

She was driving last Friday on her way to Cincinnati
On a snow white Christmas Eve
Going home to see her Mama and her Daddy with the baby in the backseat
Fifty miles to go and she was running low on faith and gasoline
It's been a long hard year
She had a lot on her mind and she didn't pay attention
She was going way to fast
Before she knew it she was spinning on a thin black sheet of glass
She saw both their lives flash before her eyes
She didn't even have time to cry
She was sooo scared
She threw her hands up in the air
Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this all on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel
It was still getting colder when she made it to the shoulder
And the car came to a stop
She cried when she saw that baby in the backseat sleeping like a rock
And for the first time in a long time
She bowed her head to pray
She said I'm sorry for the way
I've been living my life
I know I've got to change
So from now on tonight
Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Oh, Jesus take the wheel
Oh, I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on
From this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel
Oh, take it, take it from me
Oh, why, oh

2006-05-10T09:51:00.000-07:00

Scary Tales Of The Estranged Nose Hair

Something horrible happened this morning.

No, it was not that fact that I went out to get in my car and saw the driver of the short bus parked in my apartment driveway smoking a cigarette. First of all, that made me feel like I lived in the ghetto if people are parking in my driveway for a smoke break. Come on. Is there that many children in Anchorage that ride the short bus that you have to stop on your way to pick them up to have a smoke? And, if that is the case, should there be a bigger bus? That way we wouldn't call it "the short bus", I'm sure some asshole would find a much meaner name for it.

I stop by PerkUp to get my usual 16 ounce americano with an inch of cream and half a shot of vanilla (I always say my order incase some nice blog reader of mine wants to bring me a coffee during my grueling day of work) and my jalapeno cheese bagel. The "other girl" was there and I just looked at her with my one-eyebrow-look and ask Tara to make my coffee. Amazingly enough, my coffee stop went smooth and I was out of there fast and there was even a nice lady who let me out on to Dowling. It's gonna be a good day Tater.

I'm driving down my favorite road, the one where Potter turns into Dowling, I love it because of all the turns and no stop lights and I pretty much haul ass and feel like I'm king of the road. I come up to the Old Seward stop light and glance in the mirror. Ewww, there's a little boogey visible in my nose. Upon further inspection IT IS NOT A BOOGEY AT ALL!!! It is a black hair!!! GROSS!!! I have seriously pondered if God meant to make me a boy several times. I can deal with being vulgar and rude. I can deal with having my few close chick friends. I can even deal with the fact that I have to wax the ol' 'stache every now and then. What I cannot deal with, is the fact I have to buy a nose trimmer. I have seen the nose trimmers. They don't sell pretty pink girly ones. There huge manly black ones. I will have to buy it through the U-Scan instead of the regular check out so I don't have to lie and say "Oh it's for my non-existant boyfriend/husband!" While they're looking out my nose hairs and thinking "Yeah right, Wooly Mammoth."

I blame it all on the time my boss was out of town and Dean and I found Dave's nose trimmers in his office. We decided to trim our nose hairs because Dean said it felt really weird. So we cleaned out his trimmers in my bathroom and proceeded to trim our nose hairs. It was fun and it made me sneeze. So that one time, two and a half years ago, when I trimmed my nose I did not realize that they would grow back three fold! I am officially a "She-Man". Miranda will be proud.

2006-05-06T11:16:00.000-07:00

You ain't got no control.

After sleeping 15 hours last night, I woke up this morning refreshed and ready to start my day! Actually, that's a complete lie. I hit snooze from 6:30 a.m. until 8:40 a.m. and then finally dragged my butt out of bed made myself a coffee and Baileys and took a shower. Afterall, I couldn't be late to work since I had an interview at 9:30 a.m. It was a pretty uneventful morning of me getting ready, I almost sat on Ceasar and that made me laugh. I stop by my coffee shop on the way to work and to my dismay my coffee girl, Tara, is not working. Uggh, I hate it when that happens. She's the only one who knows how to make my americano with cream and vanilla how I like it. Fuckity fuck. So, I tell the "other girl" how I like it. 16 ounce americano with about an inch of cream and not so sweet on the vanilla. Well, here she is bullshitting with some dude on the other side about "cougars". No, not the fuzzy cougars in the jungle, the cougars that guys so maturely call older women to fuck younger guys. The conversation doesn't bother me so much, because you know how I am, vulgar and inappropriate at all times. But THEY didn't know that, and I was a CUSTOMER. Hmmph. So anyway, she hands me my coffee WITHOUT the cool little sticker cover that I collect and put on my windshield. Then informs me that they are OUT of jalapeno cheese bagels. Fuck shit god damn. Fine, a regular cheese is fine. Then she hands me my bagel and cream cheese WITHOUT a plastic knife. I inform her that I only use my swiss army knife for killing baristas with bad service. So she hands me a plastic knife. I drive away fucking pissed and then decide to try my coffee. I guess "not so sweet" meant "pour half of the fucking bottle of vanilla in it". Cock sucking bitch ass. This just screws up my day. I run a red light on C st, almost crash into those orangle cylinder construction things, and then my 9:30 a.m. interviewee DOES NOT SHOW UP. So here I am, an hour until my next interview. Now I will eat my cheese bagel WITHOUT jalapenos and start my filing and other office managerial duties until my 11:00 a.m. interviewee doesn't show up either. Fuck

2006-05-04T11:37:00.000-07:00

Slap Your Co-Worker Day is Coming!!

Tomorrow is the official Slap Your Irritating Co-workers Holiday.

Do you have a co-worker who talks nonstop about nothing, working your last nerve with tedious and boring details that you don't give a damn about?

Do you have a co-worker who ALWAYS screws up stuff creating MORE work for you?

Do you have a co-worker who kisses so much booty, you can look in their mouth and see what your boss had for lunch?

Do you have a co-worker who is SOOO obnoxious,when he/she enters a room, everyone else clears it?

Well, on behalf of IkeTurner, I am so very very glad to officially announce tomorrow as SLAP YOUR IRRITATING CO-WORKER DAY!

There are the rules you must follow:

* You can only slap one person per hour - no more.

* You can slap the same person again if they irritate you again in the same day.

* You are allowed to hold someone down as other co-workers take their turns slapping the irritant.

* No weapons are allowed...other than going upside somebody's head with a stapler or a hole-puncher.

* CURSING IS MANDATORY! After you have slapped the recipient, your"assault" must be followed with something like "cause I'm sick of your stupid-ass always messing up stuff!"

* If questioned by a supervisor or police, (if the supervisor is the irritant), you are allowed to LIE, LIE, LIE! Now, study the rules, break out your list of folks that you want to slap the living day lights out of and get to slapping.....and have a GREAT DAY!

2006-05-03T11:12:00.001-07:00

Goodbye Alaska!

Every one is leaving Alaska. So I have decided to leave Alaska too. It will be quite the while before I move because I am moving to Manhatten. I have decided to move there because I want to become a writer for Maxim. Before I leave I need to save up all the money I can and get my degrees done (a bachelors in accounting and an associates in journalism). I might be 45 before I leave, but I WILL BE LEAVING. So say your goodbyes now, I am going to be the next Erma Bombeck, except for I want to write for Maxim instead of a Newspaper. I will be the first Knapp to go out and make myself famous. I am going to start sending things into Maxim so please feel free to give me suggestions on what I should send in!!

2006-05-03T11:12:00.000-07:00

My heart is bullshit.

There is that certain person in everyone's life that will stay there forever. No matter how much this person hurts you or pisses you off. You will have that connection that for some reason you cannot let yourself break off. It comes from loving that person and having that person as number one in your life for so long that you can't fathom the idea that they truly are a jack ass and you let yourself love a jack ass. For me, that person is Chad Shafer. He was the guy that I honestly thought I was going to marry. The guy I thought was my first true love. The guy that I lost myself in and I paid the highest price for it: my integrity. I finally opened my eyes and got myself out of the situation, but I'm afraid he will haunt me for the rest of my life. On May 26 we will have been broken up for a year and I am not in love with him anymore and I would never get in another relationship with him. Not only because I have moved on and I know that I deserve more, but because he doesn't want that in me either. My sister, Patty, told me that some people know that I'm too good for them and they cannot stand the thought of letting me down, so they just leave. I think maybe I should quit being so hard on people and expecting so much. Not everyone is as strong as me, but they can be, and that is when I know I will never change in that aspect. I figure that if I can do it, you can do it. Nothing in this world is handed to you and if you want something bad enough, you will die fighting for it. At least that is what I will do. I have given up on Chad and let him go, he is not worth me trying to fix because he won't change for anyone, especially himself. What I haven't taken back is that piece of my heart, the piece that wants the best for him and the piece that breaks because I know it's not going to be me that is best for him. I wanted it for so long and I still deeply miss him at times. I miss our friendship and joking around. I thank God that we are at that point again being friends, but dammit if he fucking knows what to say to stab my heart. When he's happy he is the greatest person to be around but when he's pissed everyone better fucking watch out because he's like a loaded gun ready to shoot at the first person. Usually, it being me and even though I know what he says isn't true and I know he is saying it out of anger, it still hurts to hear someone that you care about talk to you like that. But I will still talk to Chad until that little piece of my heart finds it's way back to my heart. I'm just wondering with all these little pieces of my heart floating around with people who don't deserve it, how much of a heart do I have left? Am I really as bitter and cynical as I feel?

2006-05-03T11:11:00.000-07:00

What life is really like.

Life isn't like a bowl of cherries or peaches. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow. Trust me, I am a true connoisseur of jalapenos and burning ass. Like every time I go to TGIF I have a Bloody Mary. Little did I know that my "yellow banana pepper" was a fucking jalapeno until Kim filled me in.

"Why is my pepper so hot today?" I ask in wonder.

"Because it's a fucking jalapeno, you dumb ass!" Kim lovingly responds to me.

Instead of taking my usual dump this morning, I took three. Is this because of the espresso's I bought on my way to work the last two mornings...or, is it because of the jalapeno cheese bagels I also bought the last two mornings?

Just a little insight into my day. Hope you enjoyed!!

2006-05-03T11:10:00.000-07:00

How I really feel...No tough guy act.

When everything is wrong, we move along.
When all you got to keep is strong, move along.
Move along like I know you do.
And even when your hope is gone, move along.
Move along just to make it through.

"Move Along" by The All-American Rejects came on the MTV hit list while I was at the gym last night. I usually don't like this video because I think the video is retarded. But when it came on yesterday I decided to close my eyes and just listen to the music. It spoke to something deep within my soul. The truth of the statements. No matter what happens in life, all you can do is move along. Mentally, I have been standing still and even moving backwards. I enjoy being single to the extent that I have no one to live for but me, no one is hurting me on a daily basis or pissing me off. I can do what I want whenever I want and I don't have to answer to anyone. If I want to stay out all night drinking and then sleep in and watch Sex & The City, I can. I can go hang out with a guy friend and not have to accusations of me sleeping with him, when all that's going on is friendship. The only thing I miss is being loved, having that one person who loves you more than anything. Being number one in someone's life. I met this guy and we've been talking and hanging out a little bit and he asked me last night why I wasn't married. I answered, because I'm only 22 and I haven't met anyone I want to marry yet. Then he asks me why I'm single because I'm so pretty and nice and funny (obviously, he doesn't know me that well yet) and he's surprised someone hasn't snatched me up yet. I took that with the usual grain of salt guy comment, a corny compliment that doesn't mean shit to me. I'm single because I'm picky. I want someone who makes me laugh, who has a good heart, who wants to get to know my friends and family, who's a fucking man and will stand up for his opinions and beliefs, and you know what? I haven't fucking found that yet. So I'm still single.

2006-05-01T12:44:00.000-07:00

Tara's Luck Filled Weekend

It is completely amazing the amount of bullshit I have run into lately. On Friday I was being a good girl. I knew I had to be at work at 8:00 a.m. on Saturday so instead of drinking and partying with Thorin at a Birthday party in Wasilla, I stayed sober and got us back to Anchorage and was in bed at 12:30 a.m. I had five interviews scheduled every half hour from 8:00 a.m. until 10:00 a.m. Out of those five, only two showed up. My 8:00 a.m. and my 10:00 a.m. They were great interviews and I ended up hiring the 10:00 a.m. and going about my merry way.

Thorin's going away party was a fucking blast. Until about 1:00 a.m. when Steve and Brian decide to get in a fight. I'm trying to break it up and I punch Brian in the face, it doesn't faze either of them. So I tell Lunch Box (I don't know his real name) to break it up and he refuses and just sits there and watches. This about makes me kick his ass. So I push him and call him a pussy and go get Thorin to break it up. I say fuck this and into the back of Steve's truck so go to sleep. Meanwhile Steve gets pissed off and jumps in his truck drunk off his ass and drives away WITH ME STILL IN THE BACK! I'm screaming as I'm flying all over the back of his truck. He doesn't stop until he gets to my house and screams at me to get out of his truck. Here I am covered in mud with only a skirt and a tank top on. Who knows where my jacket or shoes are since the mad man decided to drive like a jack ass all over Anchorage and kill me. I walk into my house to find Jenny and Miranda staring at me like I have two heads. I'm crying and saying what a jerk Steven is and it pretty much looks like I just got my ass kicked and dragged through the mud. I have bruises over my entire body and a cut on my elbow. All I keep saying is "I look like a homeless person" and they're trying their hardest not to start laughing at me. Thinking back on it, I'm sure I looked pretty humerous. Jenny goes out and finds my purse and jacket for me, still no sign of my shoes. Drama. Steve spends the night in my driveway because when I got on to solid ground I told him I wrote down his plate number and if he drives again I will call the cops on him.

The rest of my weekend was fine. I hung out at Momma's and did laundry and went to bed early last night. So, then this morning the person I hired DOES NOT SHOW UP!!! No call, no nothing. I tell her she can start Monday at 10:00 a.m. and NOTHING! I have to ask myself, bad luck comes in three's, right? Is it over now?

Stay tuned to see if my apartment catches on fire or if I shit my pants while at UAA on my lunch break. Fuck

2006-04-29T10:36:00.000-07:00

A Salute To Thorin

This weekend is a sad weekend.

My dear, good friend, Thorin Ebrecht, is moving on Monday to Colorado.

We met last summer through a mutual friend of ours and we have been buddies ever since.

He was the only one on my bowling team to stick through it for the entire season.

People come into your life on a daily basis but it's those people that touch your hearts that you will never forget.

Alaska is losing a great guy this weekend, so we will send him to Colorado with a bang, and the rest of the car flares I have in my car.

Tonight we salute Thorin Ebrecht in the only way we know how, drunken debauchery and tears.

2006-04-29T10:13:00.000-07:00

My Favorite Movie Quotes

"I've kissed a guy...I've kissed guys. I just haven't felt that thing....That thing...That moment when you kiss someone and everything around you becomes hazy, and the only thing in focus is you and this person. And you realize that that person is the only person youre supposed to kiss for the rest of your life. And for one moment you get this amazing gift. And you wanna laugh and you wanna cry, 'cause you feel so lucky that you've found it, and so scared that it'll go away all at the same time."
~Never Been Kissed

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn, is just to love and be loved in return."
~Mulan Rouge

"I guarantee there'll be tough times; I guarantee that at some point, one, or both of us is gonna wanna get out of this thing; But I also guarantee, that if I don't ask you to be mine, I'll regret it for the rest of my life...Because I know in my heart, that you're the only one for me."
~Runaway Bride

"When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with a person, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."
~When Harry Met Sally

"...I just don't understand how God would let us meet, if there is no way for us to be together..."
~City of Angels

"Somewhere out there is the man you're supposed to marry and if you don't get him first, somebody else will...and then, you'll have to spend the rest of your life thinking that somebody else is married to your husband."
~When Harry Met Sally

"When you love someone, you say it right then, right there otherwise, the moment just passes you by."
~My Best Friends Wedding

"And remember, as it was written, to love another person is to see the face of God."
~Les Miserables

"I know what it does to you, I know. Maybe that's why we hold on as hard as we do. We just can't believe that such a miracle can happen to us twice. But it can, someday you'll find it again."
~Someone Like You

"Truth is, I gave my heart away along time ago, my whole heart, and I never really got it back."
~Sweet Home Alabama

"Love is that can't eat, can't sleep, reach for the stars, over the fence, world series kinda stuff...."
~Angels in the Outfield

"I think I would miss you even if I'd never met you."
~The Wedding Date

"Reveal to them everything there is to know about you and let the chips fall where they may."
~Meet Joe Black

"Some things are not meant to last, they just take a place in your heart and make you smarter the next time ...."
~Alex and Emma

"The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more; that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds...That's what you've given me and that's what I hope to give to you forever."
~The Notebook

"Some of the best things in life are total mistakes."
~Paycheck

2006-04-29T10:11:00.000-07:00

If It Doesn't Test Everything You Have, It's Not Worth Going For

It's really shocking at the many different ways someone can sucker punch you in the face. It's coming up on two months since Daniel took the easy road out into his world of bullshit and lies. I will say with my head held high that no matter what, I will ALWAYS take the road less traveled by. I will not go back to something or someone just because it is easier and familiar. I will walk through that hurricane and take that bitch on, because that is how I will know that I am going for something that I truly want. I will never live my life by the well worn paths. I will succeed in everything I do and when I look at myself I will know I'm where I'm supposed to be. Daniel might have finally taken the pictures of me off his page, but I will haunt his mind forever. In the famous words of Carrie Bradshaw: "Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they're supposed to run wild until they find someone -- just as wild -- to run with."

"The Road Not Taken"

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveller, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference

Robert Frost

2006-04-29T10:09:00.000-07:00

Prayers For Daniel

I pray for the day when I don't have your number memorized.

I pray for the day when I look in the mirror and my smile reaches my eyes.

I pray for the day you make it big and you're truly a rock star, even though you will always be a rock star in my eyes.

I pray for the day you see Kyle again and that empty void in your heart is filled.

I pray for the day that "doing the right thing" brings you happiness instead of pain.

I pray for the day when we are friends and we laugh like we used to.

I pray for the day that we both have that sparkle in our eyes again and that smile back on our face...even if it's not with each other.

I pray for the day that all your dreams come true.

I pray for the day that I hear your laughter.

But most of all, I pray for the day that you come up to me again and say "I'm in the band," and I pray that day will come soon.

2006-04-29T10:07:00.000-07:00

Things to remember.

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will.

You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time.

You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken.

You'll fight with your best friend.

You'll blame a new love for things an old one did.

You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love.

So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt.

2006-04-28T16:41:00.000-07:00

A Tribute To Poop Eaters

I have come to terms with the fact that Hilarious has ADD. All I have to do is get close to his fish bowl and he starts swimming around like a man on crack. So then I put my face right up to the bowl and give him kissies "Come give Momma kisses!!" and he will swim up to my hugely magnified face and open his mouth and close it. Ahhh, sweet dear Hilarious.

I cleaned his bowl for the first time today. I have an air filter in there so there is no need for me to do it once a week. More like once
every three weeks. So as I'm pouring new water into his tank there is a shit eruption going on in there. I thought it was left over food that had settled at the bottom. Oh no, my coworker, Chuck, informed me that it was his poopies floating around. This completely grossed me out. Suddenly Hilarious starts eating his flaky crap, it is then that I realize my fish is also retarded. So then I scold him "Hilarious, do not eat your poop! YUCKY!!" But there he goes bouncing around and eating his crap with the same open and close mouth that he gives me kisses with. Barf.

2006-04-28T14:37:00.000-07:00

A Tribute To Dealing With Life April 27, 2006

Some people just fucking suck and there's nothing you can do but bitch and moan like a complete jack ass and then bend over and take it up the tail pipe. Then slap on a nicotene patch and move the hell on. Life is too short to upset yourself over people who do not upset themselves over you.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful worldas it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next.
Amen.

2006-04-28T14:36:00.000-07:00

A Tribute To Nicotine Rage April 26, 2006

I have experienced my first outburst of "Nicotene Rage". I want to apologize to any poor soul to whom I lay this rage on to next. Please be aware that it is not coming from me. It's like the rage that comes out when a woman is on the rag. You can go from smiles to pissed off in a matter of seconds and you have no idea why. Around 2:30 this afternoon I got my first urge for a cigarette. It came out of nowhere. Just sitting here doing my work "doo, doo, doo...I should go have a smoke..." Then I remind myself that I am no longer a smoker. "No problem...doo, doo, doo...back to work I go..." At exactley 3:19 p.m. the office phone rings "This is Tara!" I say with a smile on my face and some fuck hangs up on me. I do my usual "What the..." and hang up. Then 3:20 p.m. rolls around and my extension rings. I look at it and think "It better not be another fuck hanging up on me" (my coworkers find it humerous to call and hang up on me). "This is Tara" I say without a smile and a "Don't fuck with me" voice. Low and behold it is Chad Shafer...yay...So here he goes telling me about this girl he met who has an older sister who says she used to baby sit John, Katie, Gregory, and I when we first moved to Alaska and blah blah blah. Hello, black out nicotene rage:

"I was five when we moved to Alaska and my parents had just gotten divorced. I remember having a babysitter but in the state of mind I was in at that age and the trauma I was going through, you can hardly expect me to remember the name of a babysitter I had EIGHTEEN YEARS AGO!!! I know you may think it's a good idea to call me up and bullshit and hey, I don't usually mind it, but the last thing I want to hear WHILE I'M AT WORK is my EX OF TWO YEARS WHO BROKE MY HEART tell me about some chick he met. I have work to do and I don't have the time nor the wanting to talk about your new prospects with you!"

"Okay...I'll let you go then...have a good day at work..." Chad says and I hang up.

I slapped on a nicotine patch after that. I've gone cold turkey for almost three days. It's time for a little help.

2006-04-28T14:35:00.000-07:00

A Tribute To Tater April 26, 2006

For those of you who don't know, I have decided to quit smoking. My last cigarette was on Sunday, April 23. I bought a two week supply of nicotene patches yesterday and haven't needed to use one yet. I was able to start out at Step Two since I smoke less than ten cigarettes per day. I have decided to take my $14.00 two pack a week habit and start saving for the purchase of my home. I will take that $14.00 every week and put it in my Tanqeray tin. While making this decision I was thinking of other things I could cut out of my life and put that money in the tin as well. My next step will be to stop highlighting my hair. So all of you better enjoy my blonde highlights for the next two months because at my next touch up I'm going back to all natural. That will save me $120.00 every two months and I can put that in my tin as well. I have thought about my nails as well. I love my nails so much though. That would save $25.00 every two weeks. I have not come to terms with that yet. Oh, and if any of you leaves a suggestion of cutting out the bars from my social life, I could possibly kill you, so keep that in mind.

Tomorrow marks the the two month anniversary of Daniel dumping my ass. Again, some of you may already know this, but I took a huge subconscious step last night towards moving the hell on. I had another one of my dreams about Daniel, except for in this dream it wasn't Daniel and I together and happy. It was Daniel apologizing for making the choice he did and me accepting that apology but not taking him back. I basically told him to go lay in the bed he had made for himself because I am not a ping pong and I will not bounce back to someone who did not step up and walk the hard road with me. No hard feelings towards Daniel, I know he did what he felt he had to do for the sake of his child. But in doing that, he lost me. I wish Daniel AND Aiden the best and I really hope things start going better for them.

I have been hanging out with my married and "in a serious relationship" gals a lot lately. I must say, I've never been a chick to hang out with other chicks, but I have found a few girls that are just like me and I'm loving it. Tomorrow we are having our (hopefully) first of many weekly "Twat Robber" dinners. I have named us that since I am continually stealing the girls from their significant others and setting up girls night.

Summer school is starting soon and your Tater is enrolled. I am taking three classes for summer semester and really looking forward to getting back into the swing of things. I will still be up for some Alaskan camping and partying though, the summers here make the shitty winter worth it!!

2006-04-28T14:33:00.000-07:00

A Tribute To Airborne April 24, 2006

I have decided that there are too many people running around this city with different strains of the fucking cold. That, or I'm just kissing too many of them. I woke up in the middle of the night not only to my new pet cat sleeping on my face, but to that yucky feeling in your lungs. I get to work and say to myself "I'm gonna beat this bitch!" I have too much shit going on during the week to be sick: Champagne Tuesday, Bowling Wednesday, Thirsty Thursday. Plus going to the gym every day. So here I am, eating Cold-Eeeze "Clinically proven to reduce the duration of the common cold" and putting Airborne "Zesty Orange Flavor" in my water. Well it tastes more like "Zesty Cold Day Old Beer With A Cigarette Butt Thrown In That You Did Not See". Assholes. Obviously the makers of Airborne have never used their own formula because it tastes like crap and you're told to take this four times a day! Does anyone have a beer bong so I can Airborne bong this up my ass? If it works for Fairbanks kids getting drunk when they beer bong up their ass, then it has to work with any other liquid. Am I wrong?

2006-04-28T14:32:00.000-07:00

A Tribute To Apologizing April 21, 2006

The worst feeling in life is knowing that someone you care for is being a complete jack ass and there is not a damn thing you can do about it. You have tried talking to them and it doesn't work. You have written to them and it doesn't work. It leads you to believe that this person honestly doesn't give a shit about you or they are seriously brain damaged and retarded. So you find yourself wondering what they are doing and if they are happy. Then you ask yourself why you care if they obviously don't. I realize I have a problem letting go. I don't let people in and when I do, unfortunately they are in my life forever, even if I don't ever speak to them again, they are always in my heart, and I find myself either cursing them or blessing them with each day that comes. Take Chad Shafer for instance, he is the biggest prick that I ever met in my life. I cannot stand talking to him or even being in the same state as him. But I know all of Chad Shafer and I find myself missing the seldom "good" parts of him and hoping all is well in his life. While my family and friends think I'm insane and should write him off completely, kind of like Daniel did to me. Such is life, and it goes on, I don't think you ever "get over" the pain, I just think you learn to live with it and eventually you don't notice it as much in your daily life.

I'm sorry that Daniel came up to me at Carousel that night in December.

I'm sorry that Daniel fell for me and wanted to be with me.

I'm sorry that Sara never brought that smile to Daniel's face that is burned in my memory.

I'm sorry that Sara held Aiden and Ian over Daniel's head unless he would come back to her.

I'm sorry that Daniel wasn't strong enough to fight the good fight.

I'm sorry that I gave Daniel back the bear with the Pink Leo shirt on that he won for me in the claw machine.

I'm sorry that I fell for someone who had so much baggage.

I'm sorry that I let Daniel "have his cake and eat it too".

I'm sorry that I lost one of my best friends.

But most of all, I'm sorry that I'm the only one who is devastated over this situation and no one understands why.

2006-04-28T14:29:00.000-07:00

A Tribute To Co-Workers April 21, 2006

It's a regular Friday morning. I went to bed at 7:00 p.m. last night and pressed snooze from 6:45 a.m. until 7:15 a.m. this morning. I get up and make my coffee and then shower. I like to make designs with my hair on the shower wall, today I made a giraffe and named it "Retardation". I decide to put make up on this morning, but I don't do my hair, I don't want my coworkers getting spoiled and falling in love with me. I get dressed and I'm wearing knee high pink argoyle socks, my favorite super long Silver jeans, my baseball style shirt with the pink sleeves that says "I'm A Seth Girl" (it's an OC shirt), and my puffy black vest. I throw on my pink Oakley's that Ash & Pete got me for my 20th Birthday because I know as soon as my hair drys my bangs will be in my face. I grab my pink travel mug on the way out the door and I'm on my way. Dean and Chuck have beat me to work, which is a rare and unusual thing, and as soon as I walk in they start making fun of me.

"Look who's here, On Time To Work Barbie!" ~ Dean

"Nice of you to show up, Dress Me Up In Pink Tara!" ~ Chuck

I hate my coworkers.

2006-04-28T14:28:00.000-07:00

A Tribute To Tater's Heart Breaking April 8, 2006

A heart breaking isn't as loud as a bomb exploding, it's as quiet as a feather falling and the most painful thing is, no one really hears it, except you. It's the sound of laughter shared between two people that are no more. It's the sound of the first thing they said to you. It's the sound of the moment you knew exactley when you fell for them. It's the sound of them telling you they miss you. It's the look in their eyes and the way they touched your face. It's everything that you don't have anymore. It's the memory that breaks your heart. The memories of what was and what should have been. It's the dreams that haunt you, the dreams that you love because you are together again, but then awakeness comes and they are taken away. It's the rock in the pit of your stomach that won't go away. The scared feeling of losing someone that you didn't know meant that much. It's looking at your phone and seeing the name in the contact list but knowing you can't call. It's wanting to to know if they're having a good day. It's wanting to tell them something funny. It's wanting to hug them and never let go because you don't know if this time will be the last time. It's that ache of knowing they're out there and you're not who they're sleeping next to at night. It's the pictures you stare at, the ones that make you laugh, the ones where you see that sparkle in your eye and you wonder if anyone else saw it and will it ever be there again? It's the smile that comes to your face while your eyes are filled with tears at just the thought of them. It's thanking God that you had the chance to love that much and then hating God for having that love taken away. It's having the same chair in the garage and feeling some strange form of comfort knowing they were sitting in that exact chair before you and knowing they will after you. It's the hope you have that they are happy even if you're not the one making them happy. But most of all it's knowing that they're not coming back.

2006-04-28T14:26:00.000-07:00

A Tribute To A Hurting Heart April 8, 2006

A well-known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20.00 bill. In the room of 200, he asked, "Who would like this $20 bill?" Hands started going up. He said, "I am goingto give this $20 to one of youbut first, let me do this. He proceeded to crumple up the $20 dollar bill. He then asked, "Who still wants it?" Still the hands were up in the air.Well, he replied, "What if I do this?" And he dropped it on theground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. "Now, who still wantsit?" Still the hands went into the air. My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20.

Many times in ourlives,we are dropped, crumpled,and ground into the
dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless.But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you willnever lose your value. Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who DO LOVE you. The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by WHO WE ARE. You are special - Don't EVER forget it."

This story is powerful and if you do not share it, you may never know the lives it touches, the hurting hearts it speaks to, or the hope that it can bring.Count your blessings,
not your problems. And remember: amateurs built
the ark and professionals built the Titanic.
If God brings you to it - He will bring you through it.

2006-04-28T14:23:00.000-07:00

A Tribute To Leo's April 3, 2006

LEO
July 24 - August 23
Ruling Planet: THE SUN
Which isn't a planet at all, but a star, and just like Leo's opinion of themselves, it's the center of our solar system!

Leos can be very 'into themselves' when they bonk. It's not that they don't make their partner feel special, it's just that they often forget about them as they secretly high-five themselves for scoring again! Leo does actually want more from a partner than just sex though. Leo wants love and friendship too. They can be very romantic, but when they get into bed, it's not an experience they're about to have, it's a show! They like to perform... and they take requests! "Doing it" is the ultimate stress buster for Leo and they are pretty damn good at it, but they need constant praise for their outstanding performance.

FAVE POSITION ~ Receiving 'oral affections', since Leo is all about getting serviced!

BEST SEX TOY ~ A camera, or a game of Strip Poker will get the cat purring or perhaps you can use them both together!

LEO FEMALE IN BED ~ You are elegant and sexy without even trying. Men love you and women want to be you. You like to play cat and mouse with men and command respect. In bed, you are a real panther and can scare the pants off most men. You adore raw sex, so your partner should go with you and enjoy it. You're a once in a lifetime experience!

2006-04-28T14:21:00.000-07:00

A Tribute To Why I Should Not Drink March 30, 2006

1.) First and foremost, I hate being hung over at work.

2.) Moshing seems like a good idea...until you get knocked on your ass and the next morning your right foot is bruised and two of your toes are constantly asleep.

3.) Flashing your boobs at the band is awesome.

4.) Flashing your friend's boobs at the band is more awesome.

5.) Three McDonald's cheeseburgers is the greatest idea you've ever had.

6.) Realizing that you have something to say to someone, so you leave them five messages explaining why you're pissed from 2:00 a.m. to 3:00 a.m.

7.) Dancing on stage with the band is not only cool, but necessary.

8.) Calling someone "Party Shirt" because you forgot their name and then deciding you like calling them that instead of their real name.

2006-04-28T14:18:00.000-07:00

A Tribute To Erma Bombeck March 24, 2006

IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER

I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.

I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.

I would have talked less and listened more.

I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.

I would have eaten the popcorn in the "good" living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.

I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.

I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.

I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.

I would have sat on the lawn with my grass stains.

I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.

I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.

Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.

When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, "Later. Now go get washed up for dinner." There would have been more "I love you's." More "I'm sorry's."

But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute...look at it and really see it live it and never give it back. Stop sweating the small stuff.

Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what.

Instead, let's cherish the relationships we have with those who do love us.

Let's think about what God HAS blessed us with. And what we are doing each day to promote ourselves mentally, physically, emotionally. I hope you all have a blessed day.